Awaken to Truth

2012-01-29T15:02:00.002-05:00

ArtistWorks announced today the launch of the world’s firstonline dobro school at the 2012 NAMM show, partnering with multi-award winningdobroist Andy Hall (The Infamous Stringdusters, Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris).Starting today, resonator guitarists of all levels can learn dobro online byway of “Video Exchange” from the comfort of their living rooms. The School ofDobro with Andy Hall will be part of the ArtistWorks Academy of Bluegrass,which has quickly become the world’s leading site and a magnet for thosewanting to learn bluegrass banjo, mandolin, fiddle, guitar and bass online. Thenew website will be ArtistWorks’ thirteenth online music school, all of whichuse the innovative Video Exchange™ learning method recently featured in the LATimes.

http://www.academyofbluegrass.com/publicdobro

Awakening versus Liberation

2011-12-26T12:52:00.001-05:00

Sunday December 11 we had a discussion in my office focused on the issues addressed in a recent article by Ed Muzika. The article (see below) was posted on his Facebook page and on his website. Ed was a long time student of Robert Adams. The article is titled Awakening versus Liberation and describes several of the points I have been making about the inevitable work remaining after even the deepest realization. The link to this article is:

http://itisnotreal.com/awakening-vs-liberation.html .

I videotaped the talk and it was edited by Mark Scorelle. Mark then posted a large portion of the talk to his blog on Stillnesspeaks.com:

http://markscorelle.stillnessspeaks.com/ssblog/mark_scorelle_michael_hall_satsang_nondual_awakening_to_liberation/

Mark has a number of other articles on his blog that make for interesting reading. It is well worth a look. Thanks, Mark, for doing this service for so many who are searching.

New Videos Available at Culture Unplugged

2011-12-20T19:23:00.001-05:00

Culture Unplugged has organized an online film festival, which is a treasure trove of interesting films, lectures, and documentaries about the spiritual search. Margot Ridler was invited to participate and both she and I submitted videos which were accepted and are now available online. The site is massive and somewhat unwieldy to navigate, but worth the effort.

From Culture Unplugged:

We wish to share our joy and inform you about the launch of the new festival "Spirit Enlightened".

As you know, at this festival we unite to explore the spirit, the consciousness, the divine - the creative and healing journey of human soul. "Spirit Enlightened" aspires to trace the spirit that has led the humanity through centuries and civilizations, and is in the making of our future. The festival hopes to explore, 'That' which envelops to infuse & evolve the individual as well as collective being, expands our vision of time as well as place, enlivens our hearts, and enlightens our species to transcend the present state of being for the mystical new - the next state of supramental self. Let's observe & feel this divine/enlightened spirit in the moment of its performance, in the midst of humanity now and forever, through film-media.

The link below is to my video, which is a version of my talk to the Self Inquiry Group in Raleigh in 2010 edited by Margot.

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/documentary/watch-online/play/8692/Awakening-in-Daily-Life

Margot Ridler has a total of 9 films included in the festival. These can be reached at:

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/storyteller/Margot_Ridler

Awakening Outside Monastery Walls

2011-10-19T15:19:00.002-04:00

Many 'spiritual seekers' in the US, Europe and other Western countries are not involved in a traditional spiritual discipline that is focused on awakening to our true nature, such as Zen Buddhism or Advaita Vedanta. In many ways this represents a new development. There are now vast numbers of people worldwide pursuing awakening on their own, outside of any structure. I regularly hear from such people because of my (minimal) presence on the internet, as do others I know including Margot Ridler and Bart Marshall. The fact that so many are deeply immersed in this radical deconstruction process on their own with little structure or support has both pluses and minuses. Five big minuses are: 1) the absence of an awakened teacher; 2) the lack of a potentially supportive community (sangha) of like-minded seekers; 3) the absence of a disciplined practice, which can make the required deconstruction less traumatic and destabilizing; 4) the lack of quality control and informed critical evaluation regarding claims of awakening (see Halfway up the mountain: The error of premature claims of enlightenment by Mariana Caplan, 1999); 5) and the absence of correct understanding of the nature of reality. The absence of each of these presents potentially serious problems, and yet is rarely realized by those operating outside of established traditions. These aspects have immense value when needed, and their absence should not be taken lightly.

It is simultaneously true that each of these aspects can create the opportunity for needless detours from the direct path. For example, how much of the practice of Buddhism as it exists in this country is actually useful to direct realization? How much is merely the needless carryover of Japanese, Korean, or Tibetan cultural or linguistic traditions? Does realization really require the learning of the Tibetan language, or the chanting of the Heart Sutra in Japanese? How do we develop a skillful, effective practice for our era that is helpful to Westerners not living in a monastic setting? How do we do this without eliminating what is essential?

We could discuss the pros and cons of each of the issues mentioned above at length. Let’s look at #1, namely the presence or absence of an awakened teacher who manifests direct realization in their everyday behavior. Having ready access to such a person can be extremely valuable. In the past such individuals were rare and often secluded in monastic settings or otherwise invisible or inaccessible by ordinary people interested in liberation. Today it is possible to go to You Tube and, using some skillful discernment, find a variety of teachers freely manifesting it in their own unique manner. What a wonderful opportunity! Yet familiarity can create a false sense of understanding. It is one thing to intellectually grasp the theory and philosophy of realization. It is entirely different to directly see for yourself. By relentlessly reading contemporary authors, listening to audio recordings of awakened teachers giving spiritual talks, and watching enough videos, it is possible to appear to grasp the message in an intellectual/conceptual manner. While not completely irrelevant, accurate intellectual understanding can only take us so far. A teacher will recognize the depth of realization, if there is any, and point in the direction of further deconstruction of the ego identification.

An awakened teacher can provide invaluable help in avoiding pitfalls and detours on the spiritual path. By continuously bringing our attention to what is truly essential, a teacher reminds us of our true nature. By simply being, the teacher demonstrates the way home for us. It’s as if the teacher is repeatedly saying and manifesting “This is it; this is how it is. Just this; right here, right now”. The energetic presence of a teacher provides a direct portal to realization for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. A living teacher who is physically present is normally far more powerful than one who is not physically present or is deceased. There are also some teachers whose realization is so profound that time, space, or physical presence are not obstacles. However, most of us benefit immeasurably from direct contact with an embodied expression of emptiness in action.

There are an infinite number of other ways that a teacher can be beneficial, such as providing pointers on current blind spots in practice or the unevenness of realization. It’s almost like being with a Master Chef. The stew needs a little more salt, a pinch more parsley or a bit less liquid. Pointing out glimpses of direct awareness, which may not always be recognized by the student practitioner, can be enormously encouraging. Providing accurate intellectual understanding after some measure of realization has occurred can facilitate a further deepening of presence awareness. In addition to being a cook, there are elements of the midwife involved in the skillful teacher. We are facilitating a literal birth process, where something is dying and something is being born. What is it? The seemingly alchemical transformation of consciousness required by the spontaneous emergence of direct seeing, acting and knowing benefits from relentless fine tuning, feedback and direct pointing -“not this, not this”. An effective student-teacher relationship requires direct engagement, transparency, and openness.

In a larger sense, everyone we meet can be our ‘teacher’. Teaching about spiritual realization is not fundamentally different than any other experience in life. We can learn from everyone and every experience is equally valid and ‘spiritual’. A great Zen Master was asked “What did you learn from your great awakening?” He answered “My eyes are horizontal; my nose vertical”. Our true nature is obvious, always present. It can’t go anywhere. Where would it go? Nor can it be lost. It is always ‘as close as the nose on your face’. It is closer than your breath. How could it be otherwise? Ultimately, there is nothing to teach, and no one to teach it. Yet teaching occurs, and I am grateful to my teachers, not only in the Zen Buddhist tradition, but each and every one of them. In this context I especially think of my sons, parents, psychotherapy clients, and those who seek the truth of their being and ask me to accompany them.

There are also some significant advantages to the separation of direct awareness from formal structure or teachings of any kind, including religions, lineages of teachers, approved scripture, etc. Barry Long, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie and many others have done a wonderful service in helping to liberate direct awareness from traditional disciplines which were often elitist, secretive, incomprehensible and obscure. Awareness cannot be contained by nor defined in accordance with anything whatsoever. The absolute freedom of this awareness as it emerges uniquely through different human beings is a large part of 'its' appeal. It can and does appear in anyone, at any time without seeming regard to practices, righteous living, self discipline, accurate prior understanding or anything else that can be named, described or defined. In truth, everything that is learned will need to be unlearned. All that is known must become unknown. Or, as the Gospel of Luke (13:30) describes it, "the first will be last and the last will be first". On some radical and difficult to describe level, 'it' is equally and always available to all who seek and even those who do not seek. What are we to make of this?

In this Sunday's teaching we will discuss at length each of these issues and I will describe why I consider each to be important. In addition, we will consider ways of addressing and compensating for any perceived deficiencies as the desire for personal realization becomes more pervasive and increasingly democratized. It is no longer possible or desirable to isolate and restrict the pursuit of realization to monastic communities or ashrams. How then do we proceed?

The Practice of Daily Life

2011-08-09T20:08:00.002-04:00

Shakyamuni Buddha has been practicing fulltime for the last 2500 years and

He’s still only halfway there.

Zen Proverb

Does awakening end the need for spiritual practice? Do all deeply conditioned patterns and habits disappear with awakening? My experience and observations say no. With even the deepest awakening, which is not an experience but a continuous and unbroken direct awareness of reality, conditioned habits and automatic reactions survive. In general, these conditioned reactions do not dominate behavior. They are usually quickly noticed and dissolved without endless drama. The process of noticing and dissolving these conditioned reactions can be taught to anyone who is interested and open to learning how to live in a more peaceful, less self-centered manner. This practice, which I call the ego deconstruction process, is the subject of this and other posts.

Vasanas

In general I like to use ordinary English words to describe the phenomena of interest to us. However, there is nothing new under the sun, and all of the issues that arise in our spiritual practice have been addressed very well in the ancient Hindu and Buddhist (and occasionally Christian, Jewish, and Sufi) traditions. It behooves us to learn from those who have gone before. The Sanskrit term vasana, often identified with the Advaita Vedanta tradition, is useful in helping us define and understand these automatic, conditioned reactions. Below is a definition of this term, taken from the website Vedic Knowledge Online:

vasana (Sanskrit: "subconscious inclination; conditioning, tendencies, or self-limitations; predispositions and habits") from vas (living, remaining) — the subliminal inclinations and habit patterns which, as driving forces, color and motivate one's attitudes and future actions. Vasanas are the conglomerate results of samskaras (subconscious impressions) created through experience. Samskaras, experiential impressions, combine in the subconscious to form vasanas, which thereafter contribute to mental fluctuations, called vritti. The most complex and emotionally charged vasanas are found in the dimension of mind called vasana chitta (the subsubconscious). http://veda.wikidot.com/vasana

Vasanas are traditionally understood to be quite subtle and subliminal, and to persist throughout multiple incarnations. I would like to use this word in a broad sense to include all conditioned, programmed activity, including thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. Our goal in learning to observe and deprogram our ego is to reduce the influence of vasanas, meaning any unconscious conditioning which obscures our ability to see things as the actually are and to act freely and spontaneously in response to this direct seeing.

The word goal grates on some, mostly those who are stuck in a purely nondual understanding of reality. A goal implies, of course, someone who is trying to accomplish something at some future point in time. All of these concepts are anathema to pure nondualists. Yet we live in a world that involves both dual and nondual, and to negate either end is to miss the whole. Ultimately both dual and nondual dissolve into just this. In this just this no one is speaking or acting and yet words are spoken, actions are taken and goals are pursued. The discussion below is intended to facilitate an active and deliberate effort to reduce the effect of vasanas in our lives.

The Ego Deconstruction Process

With thinking we may be beside ourselves in a sane sense. By a conscious effort of the mind we can stand aloof from actions and their consequences; and all things, good and bad, go by us like a torrent. We are not wholly involved in Nature. I may be either the driftwood in the stream, or Indra in the sky looking down on it. I may be affected by a theatrical exhibition; on the other hand, I may not be affected by an actual event which appears to concern me much more. I only know myself as a human entity; the scene, so to speak, of thoughts and affections; and am sensible of a certain doubleness by which I can stand as remote from myself as from another. However intense my experience, I am conscious of the presence and criticism of a part of me, which, as it were, is not a part of me, but spectator, sharing no experience, but taking note of it, and that is no more I than it is you. When the play, it may be the tragedy, of life is over, the spectator goes his way. It was a kind of fiction, a work of the imagination only, so far as he was concerned. This doubleness may easily make us poor neighbors and friends sometimes.

Henry David Thoreau, Walden, pp.130-131.

There are three fundamental steps involved in the deliberate self-deconstruction process. This description addresses the first step, which is becoming exquisitely aware of the automatic programming. The second step takes this increased awareness and teaches us how to lose interest in our programming. Much loss of interest is effortless and inevitable, but can be facilitated by specific attentional practices. The third step involves an active effort to further identify and consciously deconstruct automatic assumptions and beliefs. These steps will be addressed below as if they are discrete and sequential, although this is not always the case. For example, the observation, loss of interest and deconstruction aspects may occur simultaneously and without deliberate effort. However, it is useful to consider each aspect individually to clarify its purpose. The ego is sneaky and tenacious. It doesn’t surrender without a fight. There is great value in carefully honing our skills as we begin the ego deconstruction process.

In normal awareness, ‘we’, meaning who we take our self to be, identify completely with the ongoing flow of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. This identification is the root of suffering. The beginning of freedom is the development of the natural ability to observe this continuous process of becoming without the automatic identification with it. Long periods of silent meditation often allow for this development to occur, although not necessarily. It is possible and desirable to develop this self-observation ability with or without the benefit of meditative practice. The more we learn to observe without identification the ceaseless flow of thoughts and other internal experiences, the more unencumbered we become.

With relentless self-observation, it gradually becomes obvious that the content of our minds is tedious, boring, repetitive, and without value. There is no reason to take any of it seriously. Unfortunately, we are continuously programmed to believe that because we think something, it must be valuable and true. Nothing could be further from the truth. This realization can be explained in a logical, consistent manner so that most any open-minded person who is motivated to reduce suffering will agree wholeheartedly. However, it is not nearly adequate to merely intellectually agree with the foregoing assertions. It is necessary to determine the truth of these assertions for yourself, as a result of your own efforts at self-observation. Only then will the understanding sink in deeply enough to effect real internal change.

How to Self-Observe

The goal is to observe your internal experiences (thoughts, feelings, and sensations) without automatically identifying with these transient and ultimately meaningless phenomena. These internal reactions are the direct result of programming and conditioning, all of which is arbitrary and capricious. Virtually everything we currently take to be obviously true is merely a result of the particular programming we have encountered. If we had been born and raised in a different time and place, our deeply held, fundamental convictions about the nature of reality would be quite different. Self-observation with as much detachment and lack of critical judgment as possible is a powerful tool to help us recognize and begin to deconstruct our most cherished assumptions.

Begin by sitting quietly with nothing to do other than observe the flow of thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they occur. Do not attempt to interfere with this flow. Allow it to continue in exactly the same way it would occur if you were not watching. It is analogous to watching and listening to another person speaking. You could compare this process to watching a movie or theater performance. When watching, we do not usually confuse the actor’s lines with our own thoughts. Actually, your own thoughts are no more ‘yours’ than an actors’ lines are hers. By carefully observing the content of the mind as it spontaneously arises, we can become aware of our programming. Programmed reactions and automatic, unquestioned assumptions is all that occurs in our minds under usual circumstances.

The purpose is not to control, direct, stop, interfere, redirect, censor, suppress or otherwise obstruct in any manner this natural flow. Just watch-nothing else; pure observation. There is no goal to achieve from this process other than gradually developing skill at self-observation and becoming more self-aware. This practice is not another self-improvement project, destined to fail. An ideal time to practice is when you feel upset by something. Watch yourself be upset. Notice how you create the feeling of being upset by the way you are thinking about an experience. How we experience anything is heavily determined by our way of perceiving and interpreting the experience. Perceive it differently and your reactions to the experience will change accordingly. There is never just one way to perceive anything. How we tend to perceive events is the direct result of how we are programmed to perceive and interpret. Ideally you will observe this relentless mental, emotional, and physiological content without comment or interpretation. If you do comment on or otherwise interpret your experience, which you will do, notice that you are doing so. Notice also the effect this interpretation and commentary has on what follows next.

There is no right or wrong here, and no good or bad. Nor is there a right or better way to do it. Just begin, and learn as you go along. The crucial step is to have the intent to impersonally observe ‘yourself’ without taking what you observe so seriously. None of it matters, really. It’s merely a very common misunderstanding of reality to believe that the content of our minds is actually important. The fact that thoughts and feelings occur does not create suffering. Our unhappiness is the direct result of the deeply unfortunate tendency to believe our conditioned perceptions, beliefs and reactions to be true. Over time and with repeated efforts, witnessing the ongoing flow of our internal experience can help us develop an increasing detachment from our particular programming. We gradually realize directly that our beliefs and assumptions about reality are the result of conditioning and programming, and therefore of no consequence.

Practice

Observe the content of the mind for a few minutes. Don’t interfere with the ongoing flow of mental content. It happens of its own. Let it happen. Allow the mind to do its thing, the way it does all day, every day. The only difference now is that you’re observing you being you. Watch the continuously constructed mental content as if watching and listening to a play or a movie. There’s no good content or bad content. None of it is true or false, right or wrong. There’s just the mind being itself, perfectly. Notice how the content changes. One thought inevitably leads to the next thought.

This content is what we call thinking. It is not thinking. In real thinking problems are solved, plans are made, and realizations arise. Real thinking is useful, productive, and emotionally neutral. It’s enjoyable, satisfying and not taxing. What we usually mean when we use the word ‘thinking’ is our normal mental process of ruminating, obsessing, worrying, and creating fantasies of the past and future. Fortunately, it is not necessary to stop this ongoing mental obsessing. Just observe it as it occurs.

As we relax into this open, curious, accepting awareness of what is, we’ll gradually notice the emergence of other inner experiences, such as feelings and bodily sensations. Our goal is absolute acceptance of whatever arises. Everything that occurs is ok, just as it is. Nothing needs to be any different than it is. When beginning to self-observe, begin with whatever seems most insistent. If emotionally upset, the most insistent experience will probably be a feeling. If in physical pain or discomfort, it will probably be a bodily sensation. Approach these internal experiences in the same manner we described earlier for observing thoughts. It doesn’t matter where you begin. Just start observing and follow your experience wherever it leads you.

It’s important to take the pressure off yourself to accomplish anything or become different in any way. Remember, this is not another doomed-to-fail self-improvement project. If you become aware of internal judgments of some of your self-created mental, emotional, or physiological content, notice this also. Judgment is normal, and one of the many activities the ego is programmed to perform. We are all programmed to continuously judge ourselves and others. Just let it be exactly the way it is for now. Later we will discuss how to become aware of and then deconstruct the unconscious beliefs and assumptions that fuel our incessant, repetitive fears and worries.

If so inclined, stop reading for now and let this simple self-observation practice continue for five minutes or so.

Observing the content of the mind for a few minutes several times each day will help us embark on a remarkable journey into Reality. Many believe that spiritual practice is about reading, thinking about, critiquing, discussing and intellectually attempting to understand spiritual literature. Although there can be some value in this sort of practice, it often reinforces the mistaken notion that the thinking mind can transcend itself! The thinking mind will never transcend itself. You will never, ever realize reality directly yourself by reading and thinking about another person’s realization. Our wonderful touchstone Affirming Faith in Mind says it clearly: “The more you talk and think on this, the further from the truth you’ll be”.

Observe this mind objectively, and all interest in it will inevitably be lost. This is the Way, the direct path. In The Zen Teaching of Huang Po, the great Chinese Zen master says, “If you can only rid yourselves of conceptual thought, you will have accomplished everything” (Blofeld, J., 1958, p.33). You will then step into the stream of wisdom revealed directly-solid and incontrovertible. The endless flow of mindless chatter we notice when beginning self-observation is not itself a problem. Our identification with mental content causes the problems we experience, not the content itself. Fortunately, it is not necessary to stop thought. It is only necessary to disidentify with the thoughts that arise in our mind.

Story Time

With sufficient practice, we’ll begin to notice that this mindless, meaningless mental chatter is normally taken very seriously. When mental content is taken seriously and believed to be true, feelings and sensations inevitably arise. We then assume that these feelings and sensations are important, because they appear to be happening to us. We take ownership of them-they are my feelings and sensations. When we observe an inner feeling or sensation, we will almost invariable begin to tell ourselves a story about this experience that seems to help explain or justify it. We believe that creating a story about our experience is beneficial. We become very attached to the stories we create, and are convinced they are true. We tend to forget that our stories about reality are not reality. They are merely stories.

For now our goal is merely to dispassionately observe this story telling process as it naturally unfolds. As our observing awareness is brought to inner experience, over time we begin to understand how we create our experience by the way we think, interpret, and perceive. Our beliefs, assumptions, and expectations determine our experience. It will also be seen that none of this needs to be taken seriously. Yet we are taught throughout our lives to take all of it very, very seriously. The beginning of real freedom occurs when we no longer need to take ourselves so seriously. We aren’t nearly as important as we thought!

Try to remember as often as possible during the day to self-observe and witness. You are not trying to change yourself. Rather, you are accepting yourself exactly as you are. Nothing needs to be any different than it is right now. You are merely bringing the light of neutral, objective awareness to previously automatic, unconscious beliefs and assumptions that have done nothing but create suffering for you and others. Most of these pernicious beliefs and assumptions are universal and impersonal. Everyone believes the same nonsense. Everyone is equally trapped on the same merry-go–round. Neutral self-observation is your ticket out of this endless cycle of self-created delusion.

It can help sometimes to write down realizations that spontaneously emerge as this process continues. Try to remember especially to observe when you are upset about anything whatsoever. Many people have found that the instant they remember to shift into observing mode, there is a significant lightening of the feeling tone. An internal space is created which allows for a previously unexperienced sense of freedom and possibility. Try it and see how it goes. Attempt to refrain from self-judgment or criticism of your efforts (“I’m not doing it right”), but if these emerge, take notice and move on. Good luck!

Blofeld, J. (Ed.). (1958). The Zen teaching of Huang Po on the transmission of mind. New York: Grove.

Thoreau, H.D. (2004). Cramer, J.S. (Ed.). Walden: A fully annotated edition. New Haven: Yale University.

Nonduality Magazine interview with Bart Marshall

2011-07-27T19:36:00.002-04:00

Below is a link to an interview with Bart Marshall in the current issue of Nonduality Magazine. In this article, Bart does a great job of describing many aspects of awakening/enlightenment, and I believe it will be helpful to go over this article in detail. Our next small group discussion will be next Sunday, July 31. We will meet at 2 pm at my office for 15 minutes of silent meditation followed immediately by a discussion of this article. I have included below some questions in the form of a 'study guide' for those of you who have read the article and wish to delve more deeply into it. Space is strictly limited.

From 4-5:30 there will be a separate and different meeting, hopefully in the garden weather permitting, that will focus primarily on the experience of internal silence. If you would like to attend either of these meetings, please email me to RSVP. Tea and cookies will be provided (hopefully in the garden) between these 2 meetings.

http://www.nondualitymagazine.org/nonduality_magazine.4.bartmarshall.interview.htm

Study Guide Questionsfor Discussion of

Bart Marshall’sInterview with Nonduality Magazine

Why did getting blown up by a mortar shell in Vietnam help Bart?

Would Bart’s realization have taken less than 37 years after his first glimpse if he had been a committed spiritual seeker?

Why did Richard Rose show up in Bart’s life when he did?

What happens with Realization?

What does Bart mean by “desire less non-attachment”?

How did Bart change with Realization?

What does “dissolution” mean?

Give contemporary examples.

Is there “partial enlightenment”? How would you know?

What do you think about the 10 traditional jivan mukta traits listed? Discuss the value of making lists.

How do you like Bart’s answer to the high gamma wave activity question? Discuss pros and cons.

What is the value of disciplined committed spiritual practice?

What does Karma have to do with awakening? How about past lives?

How can you tell that someone is enlightened? Why would you care?

What’s up with the Buffalo’s tail? Write your own verse to express your understanding of this Koan about the buffalo that, in coming and going, never left home (Mumonkan Case 38).

What is a “fall from grace”?

Who fell?

Extra Credit: Did he fall: 1) up 2) down 3)sideways 4) into outer space 5) all of theabove.

What happens after Realization? Where do you go? Who goes there?

The Ego Deconstruction Process

2011-07-18T01:17:00.005-04:00

This post is now included in an expanded form in the August 9, 2011 post The Practice Before and After Awakening.

Hellfire and Brimstone

2011-05-25T13:52:00.007-04:00

Hellfire and Brimstone

Michael Hall

Its fire pit has been made deep and wide,

with an abundance of fire and wood;

the breath of the Lord, like a stream of burning sulfur, sets it ablaze.

Isaiah 30:33

Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah-

from the Lord out of the heavens.

Genesis 19:24

On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulfur; a scorching wind will be their lot.

Psalms, 11:9

Jesus said: I have thrown fire on the world. Look! I watch it until it blazes.

The Gospel of Thomas, 10

“Brimstone was not only associated with the wrath of God or judgment but it was also used as a purifying agent. The Greek Orthodox would burn brimstone to ward off evil and disease. Some might state that this is why God’s breath is compared with Brimstone and why brimstone is often used in carrying out divine judgment. That is, the brimstone is not used merely for cruelty; but is used to purify and cleanse the land from evil and the decay of sin……Today, preaching in more conservative branches of Christianity, such as many, Nazarene, Pentecostal, Restoration Movement and Church of Christ churches, may be described as “fire and brimstone” in style. The term “fire and brimstone” is more often used in current language to stereotype fervent preachers (though such few preachers would label themselves that way).” (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

Some of you may already be wondering where exactly this is going. Well, bear with me for a moment. You may remember that I was raised in the Church of Christ (see above quote from Wikipedia). Every Sunday until I fled at age 16, my family and I would sit in church and listen while the preacher did his best to scare us to death, and make us wish we were already in Hell just to get it over with sooner rather than later. My memory of these interminable sermons is that we were all going to burn in Hell forever unless we did something, and that something was never made clear, although it probably didn’t involve sex, drugs, rock and roll, or any other form of enjoyment.

When Rick Archer first suggested interviewing me for his website batgap.com, I went to the site and noticed a book he recommended titled Perfect Madness: From Awakening to Enlightenment by Donna Lee Gorrell (Inner Ocean, 2001). I ordered the book and read this woman’s description of her painful and confusing self-deconstruction process which mostly covered a period of about 9 months in the early 70s when she was only 23 years old. The book begins somewhat ominously: “I was naïve when my spiritual journey began. I wanted growth without change, wisdom without experience, security without sacrifice, and life without death. I wanted to swim in the waters of eternity without getting wet” (p.1). Isn’t this what we all want? How many of us truly want to be transformed? Being born again in the real sense is a profoundly destabilizing experience.

Some people going through this radical deconstruction process of waking up to what is real have their entire life fall apart as things start to really heat up. For others there are profound psychological and physical symptoms that are routinely seen from a conventional perspective and treated as such by mainstream physicians and psychotherapists. I have described the period of time from the first real glimpse of nondual awareness until the emergence of a stable, continuous dwelling in this awareness as being the Dark Night of St. John of the Cross. The last 40 or so years of Mother Teresa’s life can best be understood as one long and harrowing dark night. The wandering pilgrim can be helped immeasurably by an accurate understanding of the various symptoms that can emerge, including the sense of being bereft and abandoned by God.

Perhaps with this background we can revisit the idea of fire and brimstone. Maybe these frightening images of devastation are not merely descriptions of the suffering awaiting sinners who veer from the path as I was taught growing up. What if the real path inevitably involves smoke and flame? Periodic fires are necessary for a living forest to restore itself as deadwood and choking undergrowth are removed. The former life doesn’t usually give up without a fierce fight. In Matthew 8:22 Jesus invites a man whose father has just died to come to his senses. The man, devout and observant begs off, noting that the law requires him to bury his father before sunset. “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead” Jesus tries for a second time. He must have seen some real potential there, otherwise why take another whack at this dead tree? How truly radical! Fire and brimstone in this man’s face! You can almost smell the smoldering sulfurous smoke. Now the passage from Isaiah 30:33 “the breath of the Lord, like a stream of burning sulfur, sets it ablaze” can be seen from a new perspective.

What are some of the predictable crises, physical and psychological symptoms, and difficult to foresee challenges that arise from a serious commitment to spiritual growth? We will meet in my office Sunday June 5 from 2-3:30 to explore these issues.

Jesus said: I will destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it again.

The Gospel of Thomas, 71

Davies, S. The Gospel of Thomas: Annotated & Explained. (2003). Sky Light Paths:Woodstock, VT.

Mike Connors at Wisdoms Goldenrod

2011-05-25T05:40:00.004-04:00

This coming week-end Mike Connors will return to Wisdom's Goldenrod in Hector, NY to teach his 'effortless meditation'. See info below.
May 28-29-30 Memorial Day Weekend
Full days, (not just evenings) Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
Reception late Friday Evening
Residential and Commuting
No Charge - Voluntary Donation to Wisdom's Goldenrod
Mike says it takes 3 days to get the effortless meditation technique info email mark.scorelle@gmail.com
'My goal in teaching is to help others avoid the mistakes that will add many years to the process of awakening.' Mike Connors

Way Beyond Psychotherapy

2011-05-25T05:38:00.000-04:00

I have a new website www.waybeyondpsychotherapy.com designed and created by Margo Ridler with help from Richard Miller. Enormous thanks to you both. New video clips taken from my talk at last October's Self Inquiry Group retreat in Raleigh have been edited by Margo and posted to this site.

New video with Rick Archer soon at batgap.com

2011-05-25T05:30:00.003-04:00

Sunday I did a Skype interview with Rick Archer, who has a website Buddha at the Gas Pump (batgap.com). Similar to Richard Miller's site, Rick interviews a variety of people who have some direct understanding of awakening. I enjoyed talking with him. Rick lives in Fairfield, Iowa, home of the Maharishi University with many dedicated Transcendental Meditation practicioners. Rick has been a teacher and practicioner of TM for over 30 years. A video of the interview should be posted on his site in the near future. His next interview is June 4 with Radhanath Swami, an American who lives and teaches primarily in India and wrote an interesting book titled The Journey Home. There is a link on his website to upcoming interviews. In July he will speak with Wayne Liquorman and in August he will interview Adyashanti followed by Pamela Wilson, among others.

Harley Allen RIP

2011-05-23T22:53:00.014-04:00

Harley Allen died recently. God bless him. He was an absolutely brilliant songwriter, author of The Baby, Stray Dogs and Alley Cats, Simple Life, Awful, Beautiful Life, The Little Girl, and many other famous and beautiful country songs. When my son Andy first came to Nashville, Harley gave him a break and included him in his band. He saw talent and supported it.
This video was filmed at the mother church of bluegrass music, The Station Inn in Nashville. Harley was one of the funniest people I have ever met. Watching him on stage was a combination of Eddie Murphy and Mother Maybelle Carter. A concert with Harley was a participatory experience. It was impossible to attend without laughing yourself sick and sobbing in your beer. If there is any justice in Heaven, Harley made it in the back gate. At his funeral in Nashville, Andy played this song. May he rest in peace.
Stray Dogs and Alley Cats on You Tube
http://youtu.be/Se-Yg-FvoMI
Lonesome River Band
http://youtu.be/RmATzfFskm8
The Baby
http://youtu.be/7BEvvp1YZG8
High Sierra
http://youtu.be/Cnieh0Y1V-o

Can awakening/enlightenment be understood with the mind? Never. Here is why... www.TheGreatestLieEverBelieved.com

2011-04-30T19:29:00.003-04:00

Here is a link to a new video clip taken from one of Margot Ridler's recent talks at my office.

You are cordially invited to a new talk with Margot Ridler

2011-04-07T09:21:00.005-04:00

Would like to offer one more talk before I leave the Binghamton area. Will leave at the end of this month and at this time, am not sure if or when I will return. It has been 18 months since the final seeing through the veil happened November 2009. A great deepening has ensued since then. Life is understood much more distinctly as to what it truly is. When I was invited to speak in the Binghamton and Ithaca area in May 2010, I was a total novice at this. Did the best I could from how things were understood then. Everything considered, the explanations that were given were pretty good. But a lot has become so much clearer and there is a wish to share this new knowledge with you. Had offered two talks in March which were received very, very well. Due to the weather, several people could not make it and that is the reason why I am offering another talk Sunday, April 17. Below are links to two YouTube clips that were produced from the talk given on the first Sunday. It will give you an idea of what I will be sharing. If you feel moved to join us, it will be a pleasure to have you.

1. Awake Versus Not-Awake: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m19nY29KnQ&feature=related

2. Nose Dive Back Into Unconsciousness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_vh3UIOhXk&feature=related

Topics of talk: What really is a Human Being? What really are difficulties? What is seeking all about? Is there such a thing as God, a spiritual life, a higher way of being? How to truly understand life, ourselves, other people and all life situations? Will present lots of examples and personal anecdotes to hopefully get the message to where it counts.

Purpose: This new and updated information, along with the new visuals, are one of the clearest explanations of truth –what life is really all about– that can be easily assimilated because mind may be completely bypassed. There is a good chance that the presented info will facilitate a seeing through the veil rather quickly, if not immediately. Two people ‘woke up’ already from the few talks I gave last year with my somewhat limited understanding. This new info should do the trick even better.

* When I first began speaking about my process and what life is really all about - which is seen when the veil lifts (although such a veil is never really there – darned paradox!), it was clear that I could not charge for talking. For one, it was seen that there was no person there, only Life flowing freely through this body. Of course, this is how it is for everyone, all the time - except generally this is not known or experienced. Secondly, how can I charge for something that requires no effort and happens spontaneously and completely on its own? Everything that comes from this body is like a gift continually pouring forth, how can a price tag be placed on it? If so, how much? How does one even evaluate what it is worth? Those who have come to realize the truth say it is the most treasurable and priceless thing and no one would want to trade it for anything in the world. So, how much? Impossible question. It can’t be answered. To me it was the same as if a tree was asking the birds for money for nesting in its branches. Or flowers asking the bees to pay for the nectar they were extracting. Or mothers asking to be paid for the milk they are producing for their infants. We say to these examples: "how absurd" and yet, we are so used to placing price tags on everything, all day long, every day, that we do not question its use or validity. There is always, only, Life doing Its thing, may it be through a tree, a flower or a human being. Yet, ‘we’ claim everything to be ‘ours’, ‘our’ doing, ‘our’ creativity, ‘our’ whatever. But in truth, there is no ‘mine’ or ‘our’, ever. This distinction only exists in the mind. It took many months to sink in that Life manifests in this strange way right now, where It charges money for what It does. Since my professional background for 15 years has been helping people live better lives - and that is still what I am doing today - even though it seems very strange, will charge a fee from now on like all professionals in the Western market place who are giving of their time, expertise, wisdom and knowledge.

Look forward to maybe seeing you April 17th.

Warmest regards,

Margot Ridler

New YouTube video: Seeing Things as They Are

2011-03-26T01:39:00.004-04:00

Attached is a new video posted to YouTube. This video is a 14 minute clip edited by Margot Ridler and Richard Miller of a talk I gave at the Self Inquiry Group in Raleigh, NC last October. Thanks to Margot and Richard for creating this version and making it available to whomever is interested. Notice also the new website, which is in the very early stages of development. The title expresses the direction I would like to see this teaching evolve. For many years my main interest has been the application of the realizations that emerge spontaneously from pure awareness to the ordinary problems of daily living. I will gradually move my current website over to this new one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpgqL31SDIs

http://www.WayBeyondPsychotherapy.com

Margot Ridler Talk Sunday March 13

2011-03-09T14:29:00.000-05:00

Here is what we will discuss/talk about this Sunday, March 13:

The first part will consist of me giving you more examples of the difference between 'crawling' and 'walking' so that you can really understand how tricky the distinction is. And why, therefore, it is not so easy to give a simple formula of how to get you from 'here' to 'there'. When you don't know where 'here' really is and can't really recognize its signposts and bells and whistles, there is no way you can ever get to 'there'. You gotta know your 'enemy' in order to devise a plan of action to defeat him/her. But your 'enemy' is also your most treasured 'possession' - it's your sense of "I". Can you see what you are up against...?

For the second part, there is the thought of doing a joint teaching with Michael. I had asked him if he would be open to that and he said yes. He is really good with giving advice for every-day problems, so we shall see what wants to emerge from the two of us to help you with very practical suggestions.

The one thing I know that works for sure in every case - is intent. If you truly want to see through the veil to what is real and true, begin wanting it more than anything. Beware: safety, security, people, money, success, a good life, etc. none can have more weight than truth. You can start with little things - when you are afraid, worried, judgmental, etc. ask to see what is real and true. Ask to see through those automatic strings that run on their own which you think are yours, or are you. Begin to ask to see truth in all aspects of your life - and be honest with yourself to make sure you really want to see. I say this as a word of caution because often, the truth is not pretty and nice and sweet. What you will most likely be shown will be the not so pretty and nice and sweet aspects of yourself and you will begin to see how your automatic thoughts and programs and ideas are contributing to much strive and difficulty in your life.

Margot Ridler

You are cordially invited to two new talks with Margot Ridler

2011-03-02T11:58:00.001-05:00

It has been 15 months since the final seeing through the veil happened November 2009. A great deepening has ensued since then so that Life is understood much more distinctly as to what it truly is. When I was invited to speak in the Binghamton and Ithaca area in May of last year, I was a total novice at this. Did the best I could at the time, from how things were understood. Everything considered, the explanations that were given were pretty good. But almost a year has passed since then and a lot has become much clearer and continues to with each passing day.

Topics of 1st talk:
What really is a Human Being? (This answer will be very shocking to you!)
What is Life? (The new presentation will make this absolutely clear!)
How can the most be made out of Life?
What are difficulties and how to best deal with them?
What is death? Do we need to fear it?
Why search for something higher like God, a spiritual life, a higher way of being. Is there merit to it? Do these really exist?

Topics of 2nd talk
How to truly understand life, ourselves, other people and all life situations - presented with lots of examples and personal anecdotes to hopefully assist you in living life to the fullest in each moment. Plus, questions that were submitted during the week as applicable and useful will be addressed. No one is obliged to come to the second talk. But you only can come if you participated in the first one as the second talk builds on the first one as a basis for understanding.

Purpose: This new and updated information, along with the new visuals, are one of the clearest explanations of truth –what life is really all about – to show mind how inconsequential it really is and how life works perfectly without it. There is a good chance that the presented info will facilitate a seeing through the veil rather quickly, if not immediately. Two people ‘woke up’ already from the few talks I gave last year with my somewhat limited understanding. This new info should do the trick even better. Maybe you feel moved to come. It would be lovely to see you and share this with you.

Stringdusters at the Grammy's

2011-02-12T16:35:00.002-05:00

My son Andy plays dobro in a bluegrass band called The Infamous Stringdusters. The band has been nominated for a GRAMMY in the category: Best Country Instrumental Performance for the tune Magic #9 , from their most recent album Things That Fly.Wish them luck Sunday night.

http://vimeo.com/19810096

Program on Open Heart Meditation

2011-02-12T16:30:00.000-05:00

Those of you who attended either of last Sunday's teachings in my office had the opportunity to meet Lama Tsering. I very much enjoyed his warmth, humor, and broad ecumenical spirit.

The next Heart Centered Living Program for Monday February 14th will be the many facets of love followed by an open heart meditation led by Lama Tsering. Come celebrate Valentine's Day with us in unity.

My name is Lama Thubten Gonpo Tsering. If I may introduce myself briefly to you: I am American, recognized as a reincarnate Lama in 1958. I have had the great privilege to study with some of the greatest Spiritual Teachers in the World, learning not only in the Vajrayana Buddhist tradition, but also, living in Northern India for many years, becoming part of the Nath Sampradaya, learning and teaching in the Himalayan Tradition, and studying in depth with Taoist sages in Thailand and China. I feel blessed to have apprenticed with Buriyat Shamans in Mongolia and Russia, and spent time with Shamans and American Indian Elders in North and South America.

For the last few years, I am so grateful to have met and spent time with a wonderful Indonesian teacher, Irmansyah Effendi, who teaches Reiki Tummo and Open Heart meditation. Heart is the key to our connection with the Divine. This has led me to explore developing Heart Dzogchen and "heartfulness" meditation, in difference to the traditional "mindfulness" Buddhist practices. Kindly, visit www.heartsanctuary.org, or www.padmacahaya.org

All Programs are held in the meditation room at the First Congregational Church,

30 Main Street, Binghamton, NY

Doors open at 5:30 & programs run from 6:00-8:00

Monetary Love Offerings are appreciated.

A Weekend in June

2011-02-01T09:51:00.004-05:00

Judy Goldschmidt
My son Josh and I were driving out to Van Etten for a silent retreat. I’d gone to this same retreat six months before and learned some things about the awakening experience. I’d been having some experiences, for years really, and wanted to learn more. The previous retreat had provided me with some answers to questions I’d had and I looked forward to asking more questions and coming closer to understanding what exactly it was that I’d been experiencing.

Josh chatted the whole drive out, about an hour, while we listened to a new CD a friend gave me, a Martin Scorsese selection of live Hendrix blues. We both enjoyed the music and Josh talked some about learning some Hendrix and blues on his electric guitar. Both of us I think were a little nervous and full of expectations.

When we arrived at the top of the hill where Light On the Hill sits, and walked up to the front doors he turned and said to me, “It looks like a rehab.” I said back to him, “Do you need one?”

I have worried about my son much over the years. He was always an unusual child, diagnosed ADHD in second grade, seeing ghosts and hearing voices, I worried in his teen years about schizophrenia. He’s 24 now and lives in Philadelphia where he attends graduate school in psychology. He wants to be a therapist and is working toward a PsyD, which is like a PhD only it concentrates on therapy instead of research. He has been getting wonderful grades but his anxiety level has been high. He told me on the drive that he worried that he wasn’t cut out for the life he’d chosen and wondered if he should persist.

Josh has always been secretive and warmly accessible at the same time. You looked in his eyes and what looked back was old and wise, but also troubled that it found itself here in this place. You got the sense from Josh that he knew too much and would rather not. His experience of life so far had led him to try alcohol and pot to ease the thoughts and anxiety that he couldn’t escape.

As we entered the lodge and removed our shoes I went right into Mom mode, securing his room and mine and showing him around the building. There wasn’t much to do until everyone arrived and they served dinner so we decided to take a walk. As we approached the front exit I saw Dr. Hall and three other people come inside. He introduced Josh and I to a woman, Margot and a man, Bart and another man I remembered from the last retreat, Elliot. He invited us to walk with them and visit in the lovely cabin he’d be staying in.

At the cabin we rested for a moment and talked. Margot seemed interested in Josh and what he was doing in life and he told her his plans to become a therapist. I told her that I’ve done many things and have come to believe that writing is the thing I’m supposed to be doing, aside from being a mother and wife.

Margot needed to acclimate to the space and prepare for her presentation so Josh and I left and followed a path outside the cabin that took us away from the facility and into the woods. Soon we found ourselves in a lovely deciduous woods sprinkled with hemlocks. We weren’t in silence yet so we continued to talk freely about whatever came to our minds. At first we talked about what we thought was up with Margot. We agreed she was an interesting and approachable person, but we were eager to hear her story. It was obvious she had one.

We talked about home and Josh’s half siblings, my twin 11 year olds at home with my husband. They adore Josh and he admitted he really misses them when he’s away at school. We didn’t talk much about why we were at the retreat or what our expectations were, we’d already exhausted that topic in the previous weeks waiting for the retreat to begin and knew we would soon learn whatever it was we came her to discover.

We finished our walk and went inside for our first meditation and welcoming talk from Dr. Hall, whom everyone called Michael. He was the retreat facilitator but you never got the sense that he controlled everything that happened. He had a plan I’m sure when he chose the people he invited but after that he seemed content to sit back and observe. He never seemed to insert himself into the conversation; his focus remained on others and their experiences. He was one of the more laid back people I’ve ever met.

The first meditation was a difficult one for me. I felt unable to get to a quiet space and I thought I could feel Josh next to me falling asleep. He was sitting like I was on a cushion with a back support, knees up in front of him and it was his knees that I saw wobbling in my peripheral vision. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I nudged him to wake him up. He glared at me. Apparently I’d made a mistake. I felt bad and vowed no matter what to separate from him this weekend and allow us both our own experiences.

We went to dinner and found delicious vegetarian fare. People were meeting for the first time and also greeting old friends. A couple people I recognized from the last retreat. I felt as if the energy in the room was growing warmer and by the time we went into the great room I felt as though I was among well meaning friends.

Once we found our seats and got quiet, Michael began our weekend with an introductory talk welcoming us all to the retreat. Then he introduced Margot and she began to describe her awakening experience. Her story involves a complete disintegration of her life and her ego. Once she worked as a life coach and traveled the country lecturing on how to become successful in life. But one day she woke up and realized the things she was telling people no longer felt right to her. She was teaching them how to gain material success but wasn’t addressing what now seemed to her to be the most important goal of all – personal enlightenment. She now felt that until people got right with themselves and “got it” really GOT IT, nothing would help them feel true fulfillment. Her realization tore apart her business and her home life. She lost her job, became alienated from all she had previously known, including her own identity. “Margot was simply gone,” she told us. She then embarked on a journey that took her to Central and South America. With no means of supporting herself, she relied on the kindness of strangers and her faith that God would provide. She lived fully in the moment, never knowing what would happen next or even planning where she would sleep that night. She did this for four years until she finally found the answers she sought and learned what had happened to her was an awakening experience. She’d never heard of such a thing before it happened to her.

Honestly, her description frightened me and I wondered if this was what happened to everyone who awakens. Mostly I wondered how I could ever allow this disaster to befall my own family.

The second part of her lecture introduced the concept of reality she discovered in awakening. She used this construct to illustrate a reality that she also told us was indescribable and must be experienced directly to truly understand. But her illustrations and descriptions immediately made sense to me. Although words seemed to frustrate her somewhat, she described beautifully the way the ego is like an overlay of lines that block “IT”, or what many of us call God, from coming through and directing our lives. And if it were only possible to break down this ego enough then we could feel our direct connection to “IT” and be able to move in the world on its purpose, which is divine.

I thought this was very similar to a concept I had come to on my own many years ago. In my twenties, after my divorce, I came to the idea that God or “IT” is an energy which exists inside everything without exception and is experiencing this life through all which is here, human, animal, plant, rock, the cosmos. So intellectually, I got it when Margot began talking. I so got it that I felt a warmth in my body like when I think about someone I love and a happy moment we may have shared. It was a sense that perhaps this is the way it is. But the ever-present feeling of fear that had been growing inside me for several years, causing me occasional panic attacks, was not just in the background of my thoughts now, it was central. I wasn’t sure I could handle the upheaval of awakening and still meet all my obligations as a mother, wife and an active, involved adult in my community.

After Margot finished speaking, Michael introduced us to Bart and he began to tell us his story. He told us briefly of his first experience of the truth of existence when he got blown up in Viet Nam as a young adult. He spent a long time in a VA hospital recuperating and thinking. This began his life long search for the direct experience of “IT” and while his journey seemed less dramatic than Margot’s it was no less miraculous. And for me, his journey seemed more possible. So much so that I was compelled to stand up and say that all of this is something I’ve longed for since I could remember but that if I had to lose all that I held dear, my children, my life and run off to Argentina to meet God on a mountaintop, then maybe this could wait till retirement. A few people laughed but Bart assured me that the path I was on was the perfect path for me to wake up on and that it was happening exactly as it should and that I wouldn’t have to give up my life for it. In fact, he told me, nothing in my life would really change, when the change in me occurred, only I would change and that would make all the difference.

He also said that before he experienced this change himself he had been lucky enough to watch a few close friends go through it and saw that, “Ok, he’s pretty much the same guy as before, maybe this could happen for me.” He said key elements to preparing oneself included understanding intellectually the awakening experience, cultivating a sense of gratitude for EVERYTHING, learning to become still to allow the experience to come in and letting go of wanting this to happen while retaining the faith that it not only could happen to you, but that it would.

All this made so much sense and yet it felt as unattainable to me as if someone had asked me to bring home some stardust for supper. Then Michael, who I’d been seeing regularly since the last retreat said to me, “This is your path, you are exactly where you need to be.” I smiled as some of my anxiety slipped away and I felt that perhaps this was true. And yet.

We were given our “In Silence” tags and sent to bed, to rest and think and pray. I prayed that I would be shown what to do when the time was right. I said goodnight to Josh and we parted for the evening. I didn’t write that night on the novel I was working on, I didn’t even shower like I normally do. I just brushed my teeth and went to bed. Sleep came immediately. No dreams. No realizations in the morning. Just the rest my body needed for what lay ahead.

The next morning I woke at 5:30, not unusual for me but what was unusual was I didn’t want to go back to sleep. I was awake and eager to begin my quest. I went to the kitchen for tea but hot water wasn’t ready yet. The man told me to come back in thirty minutes. I took a shower and got dressed came back for tea and went outside on the deck. It was an overcast day but warm enough with enough humidity in the air to let me know it would be stifling later on. I sat on a chair and cleared my mind. I felt moved to do some yoga for my body and so I did, it felt wonderful. At 7:30 the bell rang for the first 30-minute meditation and I went to the cushion I set up at the window so I could meditate and look out at the fields and mountains. I saw a hawk flutter high above the earth looking down at the meadow for breakfast. I watched it beat its wings with powerful strokes to keep itself in the same spot. Something about it held my gaze. I felt as if I could see the truth if I could just understand the hawk. Three times it did this hovering in the air then flew off for another field. I don’t think I’d ever seen a hawk doing this for so long before, usually I just saw them soaring. I thanked the universe for allowing me to see this today.

Then I saw a Bluebird for the first time ever, I’d always wanted to see one actually. It landed on the azalea in front of me several times and I watched it until it left my sight. Again I said a small thank you for this gift. Then I sank into silence. The glass in front of me seemed not to exist anymore and I had the feeling that my physical boundaries had blurred. I got the impression that if I wanted to I could pass through the glass and embrace the sunlight and mist like a lover. I rested in this moment and felt the pulse of everything rocking me slightly as if I were cradled in the arms of creation. Pretty abstract words I know, but these are the thoughts that come to me now after experiencing this kind of moment. I can’t help but wax poetic and yet my words are poor representations for the feeling and none of these words came to me in the moment. The words come after, in an effort to describe somehow that which I cannot possibly describe.

After meditation there was a short break and Josh, who had sat down next to me to on the deck earlier to put on his running shoes asked if I’d like to take a walk. So we went down the path again and broke the silence of the retreat, but it was all right, this was what we were here to do, experience this moment alone and together.

I apologized for waking him at meditation and he said he wasn’t falling asleep and said he forgave me then laughed. I just assumed he’d been tired after his drive up from Philly and was falling asleep as a result. Also, Josh has had sleep issues all his life and I’ve never lost my compulsion to help him in any moment. I told myself I must stop trying to protect him.

We went to the lecture after lunch and spoke again with Michael, Margot and Bart about the profound experience of awakening. This time I asked a different question. I asked if it were possible that I’d been having awakening experiences in small doses for some time and was it possible that my experience of awakening would not be the sonic boom that Margot described. They told us they all had spent years in awakening and that it was only after the fact that they could connect the dots and that it looked like a story of a miracle. And that as miraculous as it is, it also is as simple and ordinary as what we were doing right now, in this moment. That this, right now was it, in fact. Now is all we have, all we know for sure. There is no past, no future, only now. This moment. And that’s as simple and ordinary as it is.

This befuddled me and I said, “I just don’t know if this will ever happen for me and I’ve always wanted it. But I don’t know where I am or where I’m going.” My voice broke; I hate it when my emotions betray themselves in tears because I see tears as weakness, which of course they are not. But I was overwhelmed with my desire to see past the illusion, to see what is really before me and my frustration had reached a climax I hadn’t realized I had even reached.

Michael said, “That’s sounds like a good place to be to me!” And I turned and I saw him, looking at me, smiling as if this were the greatest news he could give me and I couldn’t understand it, not then.

Josh and I went to the stone labyrinth after that and I told him how to ask a question if he wished, or not then walk in mindfulness through the maze. He did this and said he heard a voice tell him, “the answer you seek you will not understand.” On the drive down we both related dreams we’d had the night before about bears. In his dream he was walking through the woods and seeing a small turtle on the ground he leaned over to pick it up. When he stood he saw that several bears were surrounding him. One mother bear was growling at him in a frightening way. It took some time but it occurred to me that the turtle represented knowledge and the bears were his walls, or “beariours”, to his finding what he seeks.

The evening lecture was a surprise guest, a woman who ten years ago was given a profound gift of direct knowing and has been helping people see where they are blocked so they can live happier lives. I was immediately intrigued with her and the possibility that perhaps I had a block I was unaware of that was keeping me from awakening fully. So boldly, and without any thought I said, “Can you read me? Right now?”

“Now? In front of everyone?” She seemed dubious that I would want to do such a thing publicly but something was pushing me forward. Michael recognized this and said, “Come on up, Judy.”

I didn’t demure. I leapt up and sat in a chair next to her. The woman, Janine, was about my age, in her forty’s and I found my self looking into her clear powder blue eyes, the color of my father’s and brother’s and my youngest son’s. They were clear seeing gentle eyes and I felt comfortable in their gaze. She took my hands in hers and pressed the bones in my palm. Her eyes were closed and a troubled expression came over her face. “Are you sure you want to do this in front of everyone?” She said and without hesitation I said, “Yes, I’ll be fine.”

So she began. She told me that I had suffered many awful early traumas. My abusive childhood sprang into my mind, my mother leaving me as an infant, and I said simply, “yes,” as there was nothing else to say. Then she told me that I still carry the scars, that I hold onto them and won’t let them go and until I do I will not move forward. “Wait, I’m a writer, I use those memories for my work, maybe this is what you’re seeing.” Inside I’m exploding. “No!” my ego rails inside my head. I’ve dealt with these issues! I’ve been through therapy, I’m clear, I’m not angry with this any more! You’re wrong! It felt as if she were reading the person I thought I was ten or twenty years ago. I couldn’t imagine how she had read me so wrong, because clearly she was.

I heard Michael say, “Are you all right?”

I smiled and said, “Yes, of course.” My ego was enraged but unbelieving and so its tight hold on itself was unshaken. I thanked her and went and sat down. All the rest of the evening I could not stop thinking about what she said. I talked to Josh about it he tried to help me put it into context, to make sense of it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t accept the possibility of what she claimed. So I went to her again and told her I had worked very hard to heal those wounds and thought that I had and that maybe it was the writing that was keeping them close. She allowed that this was happening too and that what I was doing with the memories and writing was producing a beautiful and healing thing. “You are being called to writing,” she told me, “but I also see this other.” Mostly she stuck by her conviction that I needed further healing and that I wouldn’t move forward until I’d done that work.

Not long after this I watched her leave in her blue car that she’d parked next to mine, not realizing I’m sure that she had just turned my idea of myself upside down.

After I calmed down some Josh told me that he went to see her as well and he wasn’t happy with what she told him either. But unlike me he knew what she was going to say, because he knew she was the real deal. “She told me my body was full of toxins and that until I cleaned up she couldn’t read me.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to tell you but I’ve been drinking to quiet the voices.”

I couldn’t say anything. I knew that he’d had trouble with alcohol years earlier in undergrad but I thought he got past it. But here we were again, and I worried that it could only get worse. And I could do nothing to help him.

We went to the bonfire and I told him that we should talk to Dr. Hall about this. He said no and I knew it was from shame. He didn’t want him to see this in him. He had such a high regard for Michael that he couldn’t talk to him about it. So we sat by the fire each of us thinking, if we’re the last two with Michael here alone, then we were meant to talk to him about it. But as people began to leave and my hopes began to rise, suddenly Michael stood up and bid us good night. Josh and I left right after and went to his room, which was a double with a single and a double bed in it. We talked about the philosophy of awakening, me only half understanding what the heck he was talking about, fearing that my boy was drowning in font of me and I couldn’t reach him in time.

The next morning as I woke an idea formed out of the silence I’d been sleeping in and a voice came through me and said, “It’s not your mother or any of the other abuses you suffered as a child. It was your first husband and you missed it. She said, you swore you’d never let yourself be hurt like this again.” And that was it. Those were the exact words I’d said to myself over and over after I left my first marriage with my 18-month-old son. Never again. And even though I met and married a man I felt I could trust, I never allowed myself to become as vulnerable to him as I had to my first husband. This was it; this was the trauma. Now what? Obviously I had more work to do, to clear myself for awakening. This I found to be the most depressing thought yet.

After breakfast I went to my room to relax and Josh went to shower. Soon I heard a door slam. I knew the others were in a meeting I was skipping because I felt so awful so I wondered who that could be. Then I heard a loud bang as if someone had dropped something very heavy on the floor. Quickly I left my room, thinking only of my son and the direction of that sound. I heard another door slam as I opened my own. I ran to his room just down the hall peered into his room. I saw his glasses lying on the bed and the contents of his wallet flung around the room. I went out and went to the outside door, it’s glass and I looked through it without opening it. Outside on the deck, with a thunderstorm coming overhead I saw him, doing martial arts moves with a devastatingly focused look on his face. He was my son but I didn’t know him. All I knew for sure was he had to do this thing alone. Dark night of the soul and all that, I was a little familiar with such things.

I sat on my bed and waited until I heard him come in. I went to his room and felt his energy had calmed so I entered his room. He told me that he came back from his shower and as he dressed he found his wallet stashed deep in his bag. He’d forgotten he put it there and felt certain that he hadn’t wanted it with him for some reason. As he opened it and looked at the things inside he felt as if the contents belonged to someone else, and he came to understand that this was the persona he had made for himself to hide the fact that he was different from everyone else in that he knew this life was only an illusion.

I always said my son came out with his eyes wide open. And he did. Joshua was awake from the moment of birth. Growing up in an awake state is how we all begin but add in the sensitivities he was also given and no one to guide him and you have a mixture for a difficult, confusing childhood. As he described all of this to me I felt a growing sense of guilt and dismay that I had messed up on him, that I should have been better at helping him through this thing, but of course I just did the best I could with what I had at the time. This is all any of us can ever do. He told me firmly that I was the mother he was meant to have and that this was the way it was supposed to happen. He was supposed to mess up and hit this wall so that he could do what he was sent here to do. Help others. Become a therapist. Gone, he said was the Josh who needed to drink to still the voices, he had lost that desire completely. (I must say here that we’re not talking about alcoholism)

When he’d finished I told him I wanted to go walk in the storm. He said he wanted to rest. So I went to my room and put on running clothes. I looked out my window and saw Margot running in the rain, arms out stretched, a wide smile on her face. I longed to do that as well, I wanted to feel the joy I saw on her face. Then from my back I heard my cell phone buzz. I looked at it. It said Dad. I hesitated a moment, looked out at Margot and decided he might really need to talk. I answered the phone.

We had a good conversation. We hadn’t spoken in a couple of weeks. And as we spoke I felt the tug of the storm and frustration that I couldn’t be out there. Then I gave in and sank into the conversation I was having. I really listened to my father. I learned that he called to tell me he’d found an apartment he could afford for the winter, he wouldn’t have to live with us again come October. I lost my frustration and felt that it was possible that this moment was supposed to be for this, not running in the rain. And so when I hung up I went to look for Josh.

I met him in the main hall. He had an apple in his hand and he had just taken a huge bite but what caught my attention was the glow about him. He appeared so much lighter almost carefree, no, he was carefree. Not manic, or hyper, just groovin’. “What happened to you?” I said to him because I couldn’t believe my eyes. He just smiled huge, like I hadn’t seen since he was a young boy and said, “It’s me, I’m young again, that other guy is gone.” “Wow.” He walked down the hall toward our rooms and I had to follow him I was so intrigued. Either his ego had made a great illusion I was seeing or he was having a psychotic break. “I think you should go for that walk,” he said and a clap of thunder sounded in the distance. And so I did.

I grabbed my bath towel off my chair and headed outside. I walked down the path toward Michael’s cabin and headed toward the field where I’d seen Margot earlier. But it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like I imagined in my room, and a voice said, “You’re just a girl in the rain.” And I chose to believe it. I sat down in the middle of the field and I wept. I shouted “Why?” to the sky. The rain lightened and I said, “Don’t let up, I want it to pour!” And surprisingly it did. At first I heard the rain in the trees come louder and harder then it was in the field where I sat. I got up and ran, not in joy but in despair. Despair that it was only rain, and I was only a silly girl out in it. I headed back up to the lodge. I stopped by the edge of the woods and looked into the darkness in the trees. This is like my life, I thought, I can’t see the forest for the trees, and then I laughed. Then I cried again until I felt stupid standing there in the rain, a towel around my neck crying for no good reason. In that moment I couldn’t have cared less about awakening. I knew it wasn’t within my control and all these things I’d been doing for years didn’t really make any difference. It was out of my hands. Who’s having a psychotic break now, I thought.

I went back in and took a shower. It was dinnertime and so I ate. Josh sat next to me. We didn’t speak. After dinner the sun came out and it was lovely. He asked me for a walk. I told him I wanted to lie down but I found myself picking myself up off the couch where we sat after dinner and following him out of the building again. A child leading a child.

We went down the same path and he spoke of the way things looked to him. He said he hadn’t seen the world this way in years, since he was a young boy. I told him I was happy for him and he laughed. I said, “No, really, I know it sounds cynical, but I truly am.” “Don’t worry,” he said, “It’ll happen for you.” And instead of feeling talked down to or angry in anyway I said, “I know it will, really, I do, I just don’t know when.” And I really meant it.

We went back inside and I told Josh that I just wanted to ask Margot one last thing before we left. We found that we’d missed another, and final lecture so we sat out side the meeting room and listened to their laughter. I thought, it’s ok, without my energy there they’ll all have a different experience, someone else will be able to come forward because I’m not there inserting my self. I was rather disgusted with my behavior at that moment, thinking I was just one big ego. And a self indulging one at that.

So we waited and soon the doors opened and out came a woman who said, “They’re taking the picture, go get in it.” So we went to the doorway but I couldn’t go in because Margot was standing in my way. I realized this was the moment, I couldn’t hesitate, I said, “Margot, may I ask you one last question?” “Yes, of course, let’s sit.”

She took my hands and pulled me to the floor where we stood just inside and to the side of the doorway so others could pass. Josh melted from my awareness as I looked at her and began.

“Yesterday Janine said I had some trauma that was blocking me, but I realized this morning that it wasn’t my childhood trauma,” and she finished for me, “It was something else, yes.” I said, “It was my first husband and when I left with my son I swore that I’d never let anyone ever hurt me again and even when I met the man I’m married to now, and even though I knew I could trust him, I refused to make myself as vulnerable to him, I held a piece of my heart back.”

She nodded, “Yes, but all you have to do is remove this,”

“But how? I don’t know how.”

“It’s already done. You see?” She held my hands and looked in my eyes.

I felt gooseflesh crawling up my arms to my neck and said, “I’ve got goose bumps.” She laughed and said, “I have them too; it must be true.”

And no sooner did she say this and in that moment I felt a great warm wind rushing through me. It came from my back and it poured out of my chest until it had blown my whole body away into dust. I took a huge gulp of air and my eyes came open wide. I looked at her in amazement.

“I feel it too,” she said.

“But now that I’ve cleared that away what can I do to awaken?”

And she said, “You’ve been so close but now it is done.”

“It’s done? I didn’t know it was so simple.”

“It’s that simple.”

And still the wind rushed through my body and I looked out the window and saw a vibrant world I hadn’t seen before and then my son was there, kneeling down next to me, concern on his face because I’d begun to cry so uncontrollably, holding my hand over my face, then both my hands to hide this enormous feeling that surely my body could not possible hold. And then it eased and I took my hands from my face.

I looked at Margot. “That’s it?”

“That’s it. Simple, yes?”

“I never knew.”

She smiled and held my hands as I rested for a moment, trying to take in what had just happened to me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even begin.

We took the group picture and I felt reborn, though I hate to say that word with all its connotations. That’s what I felt like. A baby, plopped down in the middle of this amazing wonderful beautiful dream. Because it is all a dream, but my god, what a wonderful place to be.

I walked outside with Josh and we felt the mist on our faces, we gazed at the tress with their shimmering leaves, each leaf I could see from a mile away, like 3-D plasma only better! I touched a Zinnia for the first time in this new life.

“Smell it,” he said and I did.

“Zinnia’s aren’t supposed to smell, but it does! It has a wonderful smell. It smells so real.”

He laughed at me as I touched every green thing in the garden.

After lunch we said our goodbyes and packed up my car.

“It seems like we’ve been here a year.”

We headed back for one last load when we saw Bart at the edge of the drive, waiting for his ride; he’d flown here from North Carolina. He looked at me and as our eyes met I knew he knew. I lowered my eyes; I wasn’t ready to speak yet.

He reached out his hand for me to shake, I took his hand in mine and I felt a warm tingling sensation fly up my arm to my face and I looked in his eyes. We met there and I really saw him. He smiled wide and pulled me into an embrace. “See you again,” he said and then he was saying goodbye to Josh.

“It was good talking with you,” he told Josh. I’d forgotten that Josh had sought him out as I had gone to Margot.

“Thank you,” Josh said and then we were getting our stuff and driving away. Just like that. And I really couldn’t believe that what happened was real. I’m still waiting for this to end. Waiting for the thoughts to come back unbidden. Waiting for my worries to face me again and demand attention. But so far I’m clear and just living each moment knowing somehow whatever I’ll need to do or say will be revealed in that moment. But still I’m not convinced. It could just be an illusion. I’ve tricked myself into believing this could have happened. It was so simple and so awesome at the same time. I’m not sure. Really, I’m not.

Eight Months Later

Several months have passed since I wrote “A Weekend in June.” I wrote the piece within hours of arriving home from the retreat. I could do nothing else in fact. I was in a kind of mental limbo where the previous day’s events passed in front of my eyes as if it were all happening again and the only way to remedy this I felt was to do what I always do, write it down. Thankfully I did, as much of the detail and the exact sequence of events have faded from my memory. Though one moment stays clear to me, the moment I sat with Margo on the floor and felt that warm wind embracing me. That moment is easily recalled still, almost in its full effect. For this I am grateful because at times since I might have discounted what I experienced if not for that indisputable event. I cannot deny what I felt and how profoundly it has shifted my perception of the world I now see around me.

For much of the next three months I marveled at how much calmer my thoughts were. Gone were the familiar obsessive thoughts and ruminations on problems that had occurred or ones I had feared might occur. I no longer worried about what might happen or how I would cope if things didn’t go a certain way.

I met with Dr. Hall on a weekly basis and with his guidance I was able to understand the new experiences I was having. Perhaps the most noticeable occurrence was what Dr. Hall described as “acting out of no mind.”

One Friday evening I took my eleven-year-old twins to a pizza party at a roller skating rink and found that the place was overcrowded with raucous teens with little or no supervision. At one point I went out to my car to get my skates because my daughter wanted me to skate with her and as I approached the glass doors I could see two young boys fighting in the parking lot with several on lookers who seemed to be egging them on.

I stepped outside and had intended to walk by and ignore the incident but instead I stopped a few feet from the boys and shouted, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?” The boys stopped and looked at me. The smaller one, who had been getting the worse of the beating, took that moment to flee back inside the building. I continued to stare at the other boy who actually took a step toward me and said, “It’s none of your business.” He said this with such contempt that his voice sounded like a snarl in my ears and I immediately took a step toward him and instead of asserting my authority over him which he could easily dispute, I said, “How old are you?” Apparently caught off guard by this question he answered, “Twelve.” I shot right back with, “Oh then you’re a man, act like one.” I turned and without looking back or even thinking twice about turning my back on him, I walked away to my car and did what I’d come outside to do.

When I came back to the building the boy still stood outside with some others who had observed the incident and none of them even looked at me. It was as if I had never even seen them before. What was clear however was that the violence had been diffused and further injury to either boy had been avoided. I had without thought done exactly what was needed in that moment. I did it with a courage I wouldn’t have felt if I’d thought about what I should do in such a situation. I did it without thought for my own safety or concern for what might happen after I said what I did. And yet, it was exactly the right thing to do and I marveled later that I had acted in such a decisive way in a situation that would normally have sent me running the other way. Such is the way of acting out of no mind.

There is no way to prepare yourself for what any given moment might require, so why worry about what might happen in some future which has yet to occur? This is how I live my life now. I see life now as a succession of moments that feel like bubbles of time connected but distinct where what is needed is revealed to me and I act without having to think about or censoring my responses. I know I will be guided and I am.

Another remarkable change that has occurred since June is that I have finally lost the twenty pounds I would have liked to have lost ten years ago after giving birth to twins. I had tried so many times to diet and to begin an exercise routine, even hiring a personal trainer for two years to force me to get fit, but none of it worked. Until now.

Sometime in September I started noticing those Jenny Craig ads almost every time I turned on the TV it seemed. I had Kirstie Alley's and Valerie Bertinelli’s voices echoing in my mind for hours after viewing an ad. “Have you called Jenny yet?” So one day I went. I just walked in and said, “Can you help me lose twenty pounds?” They said I needed to make an appointment and though disappointed that I couldn’t begin that day, I returned three days later and began. Within four months I had lost the weight, and am continuing on to lose an additional five pounds to put me at my most optimal weight.

At the same time I began playing racquetball with my husband for an hour a couple times a week. At first these sessions wore me out so much that I was winded within ten minutes and sweating like a prizefighter. Then I noticed after a couple of weeks that I didn’t break a sweat for at least twenty minutes of play. It wasn’t long before I had lost ten pounds and decided I could begin running again.

Now my workout is a pleasure. At this time I run thirty minutes, bike for thirty minutes then stretch and do weights for another thirty. Instead of finding excuses and begrudging my “lost” time, I look forward to going to the gym. I’ve realized that my husband is more than happy to see me go when he gets home after work if I haven’t had a time to do it during the day. He is so supportive and I don’t have my thoughts derailing me anymore so success has been simple. Not easy though, there’s nothing easy about losing weight. But from my experience of the last ten years of failure and now this sudden success I can say that my biggest barrier to losing weight was my own mind.

A more subtle change, but perhaps the most wonderful change, has been in the quality of my relationship with my husband. We’ve been together for twenty years and sometimes slip into negative ways of relating to each other at certain times over certain issues. Mostly concerning our different approaches to childrearing.

Whenever we begin to regress into one of these negative exchanges I find myself responding in a different way. Instead of becoming defensive and letting my emotions get the better of me because I’m feeling threatened, I find my thoughts staying clear and can see the real objective of this conversation. I’m able to say things that diffuse his anger. I stay to the issue and speak clearly on that only.

At other times I’m able to redirect him when he begins to ruminate or over think a situation that doesn’t require action or even further thought at this moment. I tell him not to give so much energy to a negative situation. I’m helping him see too that if it isn’t happening right now there’s no point in creating emotions that can destroy the present moment. It’s most times unproductive and pointless to invoke the negative emotions of an earlier time. Of course there are times to revisit an event to make a plan for the future, but don’t dwell on these things unnecessarily.

It’s not that my life is perfect now by any means. And I am not like a super hero running around acting out of no mind stopping fights and catching villains. But there’s no disputing the fact that I move through my life differently now. There’s no question in my mind that this perceptual shift has allowed me to move more freely and to live more fully and be more present and genuine with everyone I come in contact with. For this alone, I am grateful, every day I am reminded of the uniqueness of this life experience. I am here, in this place at this time and I am living every moment I can in the moment without my mind creating the distracting chatter that so plagued me before. I’m more present for my family and friends, for anyone I encounter and this gives me the opportunity to give them the best of me in that moment. And that’s all any of us can do in a given moment anyway, don’t you think?

PS After being too afraid to fly since 1995 I have just booked Andy and I for a vacation in the Virgin Islands in March. Such things I couldn't imagine getting over, but now suddenly I am!

Nothing is Personal

2011-01-30T17:39:00.001-05:00

I first read this idea in The Four Agreements (1997) by Don Miguel Ruiz. The second of Don Miguel’s four agreements was: do not take anything personally. I first read the book not long after it was published. This particular agreement hit me in the gut. At an intuitive level I knew it was true, yet I also knew that I did not really understand what the author was saying. I also knew that I could not manifest this wisdom in my daily actions. A few years later I had the opportunity to take a work-shop with Don Miguel at Omega, and was impressed by his warmth and openness. Not long after, in September of 2002, I experienced a kind of disappearing act which allowed to me to see directly the truth of this teaching.

I have applied this understanding ever since in psychotherapy sessions, and have found it to be one of the most liberating of the spontaneous realizations that emerged after the disappearance mentioned above. This Sunday, February 6 those who are interested will meet in my office to discuss the meaning and value of this truth. Our normal understanding convinces us that everything is personal. Going in depth into the nuances and subtleties of this realization will help us all to embody this truth in the ordinary activities of daily like.

For example, would it also be true to say that everything is personal? As this clear awareness unfolds over time, a real appreciation emerges for not only the impersonal but also for the very personal. In The Heart Sutra we are taught that “form is only emptiness, emptiness only form…” Notice that this profound teaching does not deny the form aspect, or what we might call the personal. Living in emptiness, walking it, eating it, breathing it, or being breathed by it is the experience of awakened awareness moving freely through the world-the same world we all know through our normal consciousness.

It is certainly beneficial to cease taking anything personally. However, does it then follow that everything is impersonal? Can’t we say that there is both a personal and an impersonal aspect to everything? How does this realization play out in our lives? Ultimately, with the maturing of realization through integration and embodiment, both personal and impersonal lose their allure. Then we know directly the spirit of Master Dogen’s Mountains and Rivers Sutra, and the following classic lines:

Before I understood I saw mountains as mountains and rivers as rivers.

When I arrived at some understanding, I saw mountains are not mountains and rivers are not rivers.

Now mountains are once again mountains, and rivers are once again rivers.

See http://www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/daido/teisho49.php for a brief teaching on this topic by John Daido Loori, Roshi, published in Mountain Record 25.1, Fall 2006.

Trust the Not-Knowing

2011-01-02T11:51:00.007-05:00

Follow the stream,

Have faith in its course.

Ch'an Master Sheng-Yen

During my Zen training there were a number of phrases that lodged in the mind like nettles, refusing to budge, going nowhere. One was “don’t know mind”; another “only don’t know”. The mind that knows is limited, conditioned, stuck. Not knowing opens up limitless possibilities. We want to cultivate the mind that knows nothing. Our ordinary thinking mind is addicted to knowing ‘stuff’. We so want to be right, to seem like we know what we are doing-to be in charge. One with this ocean of vastness, who is in charge of anything? Yet, strangely, decisions are made and effective actions are taken.

How do we cultivate the mind that has no need to know? With no need to do or know anything whatsoever, genuine Knowing emerges of its own, spontaneously. This river flows by itself, without guidance or direction. Freely appearing Knowing is incontrovertible, not arguable. We know directly, for ourselves. No teachers or teachings are necessary. “Dharmas here are empty, all are the primal void”-the Heart Sutra speaks to us clearly.

In the teaching/discussion of January 9, we will explore the experience of living in the world from the ‘perspective’ of not knowing. How do we learn to identify and trust this direct, spontaneous speaking and acting? In Affirming Faith in Mind we read “thus walking freely, undisturbed”. What is it like to live in this way? We have all experienced such freedom. Right here, right now, how can we miss it?

For Info on Chinese Zen (Ch'an) Master Sheng Yen see: http://www.chan1.org/shifu.html

Spiritual Enlightenment Book of the Year

2010-12-14T10:55:00.001-05:00

Bart Marshall's book The Perennial Way is a candidate for an award. This is sponsored by a new magazine in the 'spiritual awakening' arena. I like Bart's book as well as The Haunted Universe by Steven Norquist, another nominee. It's interesting to me to see the gradual emergence of interest in these ideas to a broader spectrum of people. Check it out if interested.

Vote for your favorite...
http://www.enlightenmagazine.com/home/awards

Ashes to Ashes Teaching December 12, 2010

2010-12-08T12:41:00.002-05:00

Great is the matter of birth and death

Life slips quickly by

Time waits for no one

Wake Up! Wake Up!

Don’t waste a single moment!

(Han inscription, Rochester Zen Center)

How do we live in way that is truly alive? The end result of spiritual practice is to live in this world exactly as it is, totally one with everything, rejecting nothing. How would someone living in this way appear? Shakyamuni Buddha said that an enlightened being has absolutely no distinguishing characteristics. Such a person appears completely ordinary-nothing special. Someone who sees reality clearly as it is has gained absolutely nothing. Awakening is a process of continuous disappearing, becoming less and less.

Jesus Christ indicated that we must die in order to be reborn. To become an actual human being, we must surrender our most cherished beliefs, convictions, concepts and notions. It is necessary to somehow stand completely bare, naked in the purest sense. Many years ago an image offered itself out of awareness. I saw myself as a barren tree in winter, stripped of all leaves, coverings, and adornments. A cold, piercing wind was blowing in and through me. Yet there I stood. Solid, rooted, doing nothing, going nowhere. Just this, exactly as it is-nothing more, nor less. All was lost, and yet….life continues, no buffers, without resistance, without becoming.

Jesus described a spiritual death that was required to enter the Kingdom, not the biological death of the human body. Like much of the New Testament, his descriptions of dying were symbolic, metaphoric-yet absolutely clear, pure and direct for those with eyes to see. In the Christianity I was taught growing up, profoundly literal and concrete minds had distorted his teachings. The death of the spirit-of who and what you think you are- had become the biological death of the body. Direct personal, experiential realization of the same truth that Jesus saw so clearly was replaced by a series of beliefs in strange notions that could never be personally verified as true. Thus, religion was born and the way of direct knowing became obscure.

Yet there is something very powerful about biological death. David Hawkins once mentioned that about half of the people who awaken to reality do so during, right before or right after the dying process. Impending physical death, especially when it is your own, has a unique way of focusing the mind on what is ultimately real-what is inescapable, incontrovertible. This past September 17th my father died at the age of 89. Some things, probably many things, have to be personally experienced to be fully appreciated. The death of a parent is certainly one of them, as is the death of a child, or a spouse. Each death is unique, original-the first death. All we can truly know for sure is our own direct experience, which is always both deeply personal and profoundly impersonal.

In the teaching/discussion of December 12th we will consider the incredible opportunity provided by biological death, both to those who pass on, and to those who remain. Around the time I began formal Zen training in the late 1970s I remember reading somewhere that the purpose of this hard training was to prepare us to die. Somehow this made sense to me at the time. Most of us live our lives as if we firmly believe that death will only happen to others-not actually to us. Who dies? Together we will confront and begin to uproot our fear of death using our most powerful tool-pure awareness.

Michael's talk at the Self Inquiry Group in Raleigh October 1, 2010

2010-11-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

The link below is to my talk at the Self Inquiry Group intensive held in Raleigh, North Carolina October 1 of this year. Luke Roberts gives about a six minute introduction to the retreat, followed by the keynote address given by Bart Marshall. Bart's intro to my talk begins at about the 32 minute mark. I am grateful to Bart and to the SIG group for inviting me to present at this retreat for a second year in a row. I also deeply appreciate Richard Millers' willingness to record these presentations and place them on his website: www.nevernothere.com.

http://www.nevernothere.com/michael-hall-sig-2010

Self Inquiry Group Raleigh Retreat this Week-end

2010-09-29T13:05:00.002-04:00

Richard Miller (www.nevernothere.com) will be videotaping this week-end's retreat in Raleigh. Portions of the retreat will be broadcast live, including my talk Friday night.
Below are links to the web pages where portions of this weekend's 2010 SIG retreat will be webcast live. The pages include the retreat schedule. Not all of the speakers will be videotaped, and not all of those videotaped will be webcast live: some of the videos will be posted after the retreat.

http://nevernothere.com/content/livestreamcom-video-viewer-page
http://nevernothere.com/content/ustreamtv-video-viewer-page
Please forward this along to whomever you feel would be interested.

Friday, October 1st (all times Eastern Daylight)

7:15 p.m. Keynote - Bart Marshall
8:00 p.m. Speaker #1 - Michael Hall
9:30 p.m. Free time

Saturday, October 2nd

9:00 a.m. Speaker #2 - Bruce Joel Rubin
10:30 a.m. Break
10:45 a.m. Speaker #3 - Margot Ridler
12:15 p.m. Break
12:30 p.m. Lunch
2:00 p.m. SIG Panel - Jenny Jensen, Steve Kunin, and Jason Perez 3:30 p.m. Break
4:00 p.m. Speaker #4 - Paul Constant
5:30 p.m. Break
6:00 p.m. Dinner
7:30 p.m. Speaker #5 - Bart Marshall
10:00 p.m. Free time

Sunday, October 3rd

9:00 a.m. Speaker #6 - Paul Hedderman
10:30 a.m. Break
11:00 a.m. Steven Norquist #7 - “Haunted Universe”
12:30 p.m. Break
1:00 p.m. Lunch
3:00 p.m. Speaker #8 - Shawn Nevins
4:30 p.m. Break
5:00 p.m. Fireside Wrap-Up
Eastern Time Zone broadcast on

After awakening, is it all sweetness and light?

2010-08-18T19:13:00.000-04:00

We have been fortunate to have a variety of teaching opportunities this spring and summer, but it has been several months since I have held a discussion at this office. We will meet this Sunday (August 22) at my office (46 Riverside Dr. in Binghamton) at 3 pm for meditation and 4:15-5:45 teaching and discussion. I am still reflecting on the topic I want to consider, but this my current interest:

There has been remarkably little discussion of life after awakening. Adyashanti addressed this issue in his recent book and CD series (The End of Your World). Psychological and physical problems, energetic darkness and much more may well continue following even the most profound awakening. How do we recognize, learn from and release difficult patterns and experiences? Does clearing out the emotional debris of our minds facilitate awakening in those for whom it has not yet occurred? How is the essential psychological work required changed by awakened awareness-or is it?
As always, if you are interested in attending, please email me, as space is limited. The next silent retreat at Light on the Hill will be the week-end before Thanksgiving.

Silent Meditation Retreat Videos Now Available Online

2010-07-03T11:58:00.000-04:00

Richard Miller has finished editing the videos of our recent Silent Meditation Retreat and has posted everything on his website. Check out the link below:

http://nevernothere.com/michael-hall

As the entire retreat is now available, it is possible "virtually" to do the retreat yourself. Best wishes to all for a wonderful week-end. Thanks again to Richard Miller for the incredible work he is doing to make these teachings available to all who would have eyes to see.

Thanks to Phil Franta for the group photo sent earlier and available on my blog. I appreciate the willingness of those who attended the retreat to share their experience. It is because of you that this event occured. I really have nothing to say until someone appears before me with a need to know. Profound gratitude is expressed to Bart Marshall and Margot Ridler for their participation. Let us all work together to evolve new approaches to conveying this essential truth and make it available to those with a pressing need to realize it for themself.

Michael Hall

June 2010 Silent Meditation Retreat with Michael Hall, Bart Marshall, and Margot Ridler

2010-06-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

The Ego Deconstruction Process

2010-06-13T23:59:00.002-04:00

Becoming aware of automatic reactivity

How do you know your reactions are conditioned?

               Attachment to being right or to others being wrong

               Attachment to outcomes

               Strong opinions/convictions

               Strong feelings that last more than a minute or two

               Rehashing in your mind anything that isn’t happening now

               Imagining the future

               Worry of any form-also called ‘being concerned’

Being offended, feeling betrayed, taken advantage of, hurt,   etc.

The unique importance of trauma

               Flashbacks: emotional, physical, cognitive

               Misattributing the cause of our feelings

               Left brain/right brain disconnects

               Homicidal rage

               Recognizing flashbacks in midstream

               Taking responsibility for our self

               How we feel and react is up to us

How do we begin to interrupt automatic reactivity?

               Radical self-acceptance

               Observing, recognizing, and inhibiting automatic reactions

Slipping into internal silence

Trusting the natural state

Does not lead to passivity or being victimized

               Becoming an emotional adult

               Our goal is to become an actual human being, nothing else

Without conditioned reactions, then what?

               Do you just sit and drool on yourself?

Awakened awareness moving freely through the world

   Although no one is doing no thing, free, direct action occurs spontaneously, on its own, without encumbrances

   How does this free, direct action appear to others?

   Interesting, unpredictable, powerful, effective, loving, real, and authentic

   This direct activity completely disrupts automatic, conditioned behavior in others

   Thus, it is not always appreciated

   Mostly, though, sheer playfulness and humor, which is very common, is valued by all

   Everyone benefits

   Decisions made out of this direct awareness are always ‘right’

   There is no need to ever second-guess such actions

   Second-guessing, like worry, is simply the mind’s disease

Stillness in action

   Results in peaceful, low maintenance, friendly, curious open people who are emotionally alive and virtually impossible to offend

   The result is that others feel free and accepted in the presence of this embodied no-mind

2010-06-06T12:43:00.002-04:00

Michael Hall
At Light on the Hill, Van Etten, NY

Friday, Saturday and Sunday
June 11, 12 & 13, 2010

“Our goal is nothing less than to realize our full potential as human beings by disappearing to who and what we have always thought we are.”

This retreat is held in silence, except for group teachings/discussion with Michael, Bart and Margot.

Silence

The purpose of maintaining external silence is to encourage the development of internal silence. When we are quiet and able to focus on the workings of our own mind, we inevitably become aware of the noise and chaos of our personal mental narration. Time dedicated to silence, especially in the setting of a spiritual retreat, creates a profound opportunity to observe and experience the triviality and meaninglessness of this constant mental activity. By careful self observation and self-inquiry and we can grow sufficiently detached from identifying with the passing content of our own mind that we effortlessly lose interest in it. Only when the thinking mind is silent can spiritual transformation occur. With this perceptual shift, an entirely new and unfamiliar world opens to us.

We are very glad that you will be joining us in a supportive environment in a beautiful natural setting at Light on the Hill Retreat Center. This is an opportunity to discover for yourself the wonder of Presence Awareness. Beginning with meditation after dinner on Friday, we will be silent until lunch on Sunday, except during teaching/discussion. We wear “In Silence” tags to remind the person looking at us of their own commitment to this silence, supporting the depth of silence for each individual and the group as a whole.

About Light on the Hill

Perched high in the hills of Van Etten, New York, Light on the Hill is a retreat center which provides a space where seekers of all persuasions can find peace and solace away from their everyday worldly pursuits. The center is located on 236 acres, of woods, streams, gorges, distant views and walking paths.

Inner Light Lodge is a uniquely designed facility with large windows overlooking a sweeping view of rolling hills and meadows. The simple rooms have excellent soundproofing with a large window in each overlooking the beautiful grounds. Four bathrooms with a total of 8 showers and 10 toilets are a short walk down one of the halls. The central sacred meeting space is hexagonal in shape (1160 sq. ft.) and has continual windows on 3 sides with a 32 foot high tipi-like ceiling coming to an apex with a pyramid-shaped skylight. There is a beautiful dining room and fully equipped commercial kitchen. Rooms are chosen as participants arrive. All rooms are SINGLES with shared baths down the hall.

What to bring

All towels and sheets are provided. A person is asked to bring (1) slippers or heavy socks as we ask that shoes be removed at the door, (2) comfortable walking shoes and suitable warm clothing for winter walks, (3) personal toiletries, (4) alarm clock, & (5) robe for trips to the bathroom.

Backjacks are available as well as chairs with cushions. If you would like to use a meditation cushion or bench, please bring your own. Seating arrangements are quite informal and you may want to move from chair to floor – bring whatever you need to be comfortable.

Most cells phone do work at any place on the property. It is strongly suggested that you plan not to use your cell phone this weekend. If you need to leave an emergency number with your family or work, Light on the Hill’s telephone is: (607) 589-4419

Meals

Meals at Light on the Hill are gourmet vegetarian with many vegan options. We use organic ingredients wherever possible.

If you have special dietary needs, you can bring your own food. Those wanting meat can bring cold cuts and cans of tuna, etc. but no meat is allowed to be cooked on the premises. We ask that no liquor be served. We receive numerous high praises about the food we serve.

Travel Directions

Please see: http://lightonthehill.org/findus.cfm

If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to email me at wmh1946@hotmail.com. Once you have arrived at Light on the Hill, you will be checked in, assigned a room, and have an opportunity to explore the beautiful grounds and retreat center.

Retreat Managers

Karen Madsen and Gaye King will be in charge of daily operations. Questions of any sort should be directed to Karen or Gaye first. They will meet with me as needed.

Michael Hall PhD

Retreat Focus

A silent retreat is a rare and wonderful opportunity to dive deeply into awareness of what is true, enduring, unchanging. This “substrata” of existence is always with you, never abandons you, and yet rarely is noticed. Anything at all that we say about “it” is superfluous and indirect. It is best communicated by pure physical presence. The best art, music, and poetry reveal it to us. External and internal silence helps us to recognize this subtle yet continuous undercurrent of the real awareness of what is. Natural settings facilitate our ability to notice the world instead of our mental constructions of the world. A shared group intent formed as individuals practice attunement to reality together raises everyone’s ability to pay attention. In the Zen Buddhist tradition this energy has its own name: joriki. This group-generated energy is very real, almost palpable. In the previous retreats I have led, the emergence of this group energy arises predictably within 24 hours or so. I have rarely felt it as strongly outside of a retreat setting. Silence, concentration, lack of distractions, and seriousness of purpose facilitate this flow of chi-like energy.

Metaphor, allusion, and simile are the spiritual teachers’ forte. In the Gospel of Matthew 13:3, it is noted: “Then he told them many things in parables, saying ‘A farmer went out to sow his seed….’”. The best spiritual teaching always occurs in a format that is relevant and understandable to the audience at hand. Shakyamuni Buddha, Jesus Christ, Moses, Abraham, Ramana Maharshi and countless others have taught those with eyes to see and ears to hear in a similar manner. Narrative and story-telling often by-pass the ordinary defense structures and are utilized freely. The deepest truths are communicated through a kind of energetic resonance that is difficult to describe yet also strangely familiar. This different way of learning requires a letting-go of our ordinary death-grip on the illusion of personal control. Slipping into this open awareness is effortless for some, torturous for others. Some relaxation of our hyper-focused attention to data, logic, and reason is necessary for all who wish to recognize who and what they actually are, always have been, and can’t not be.

SCHEDULE

Friday June 11
4-6       Arrival and check-in
6:30      Dinner-Silence begins after dinner
7:30      Silent Meditation
8:00      Break
8:15      Teaching/discussion with Michael
   The Ego Deconstruction Process
9:30      Free time/bed
Saturday June 12
7:30      Optional meditation
8:00      Breakfast
8:30      Free time
10:00    Teaching/ Discussion with Bart Marshall and Margot Ridler and Michael
11:45     Break
Noon     Meditation
12:30     Lunch
1:00      Free time
3-4:30   Joint Satsang Michael, Bart and Margot
4:30       Free Time
5:00       Chanting/Singing/Drumming (Feel free to bring our own instruments)
5:30       Guest Surprise/ Janine Waldron
6:00       Free time
6:30       Dinner
7:30       Meditation
8:00       Free time
9:00     Bonfire
Sunday June 13
7:30      Optional meditation
8:00      Breakfast
8:30      Free time
10:00    Meditation
10:20    Teaching Michael/ Discussion Bart, Margot, and Michael
   Direct Knowing
11:50     Break/Group Picture
12:00     Free time
12:30     Lunch/talking resumes
Retreat ends after lunch

Margo Ridler

2010-05-15T02:26:00.004-04:00

Sunday May 23 at 3pm Margot Ridler will join us and share her journey of spiritual awakening. I met Margo at the TAT intensive retreat in West Virginia several weeks ago, and found her presentation to be inspiring. This talk will be an unusual opportunity to hear and experience directly someone who has emerged from a profound personal deconstruction of self-identity. I will be facilitating and participating as needed. Margot's experience is riveting and deeply authentic. We are fortunate to have her here.
Margot Ridler
Margot Ridler was a successful businesswoman and therapist when her “self,” her identity as a person, suddenly fell away. For the next four years she wandered homeless through Mexico and Central America as she dealt with the problems and miracles of “no-self.” Finally, in November 2009, she realized her true nature and the journey to Truth was completed.

Infamous Stringdusters in Oneonta August 5

2010-05-13T16:51:00.002-04:00

http://oneontatheatre.com/home/category/shows/
My older son Andy and his band The Infamous Stringdusters will be in Oneonta August 5 at the Oneonta Theater. Tickets go on sale tomorrow, May 14.

EFFORTLESS MEDITATION

2010-04-28T15:38:00.001-04:00

Sunday May 9 we will sponsor a teaching on Effortless Meditation led by Mike Connors. Mike will be teaching at Wisdoms Goldenrod in Hector, NY Friday night and Saturday, and then come to Endicott to join us Sunday. I met Mike in Raleigh last fall when we both were teaching at the Self Inquiry Group retreat. I am delighted that he is able to include us in his visit to upstate New York. Mike has published extensively in the TAT journal. You can link to his articles below. I have decided to rent the Endicott Visitors Center to enable more people to attend in comfort. Unfortunately the rental fee for the afternoon is $220 (!), so we will have to slightly increase the usual fee to $15 for this event. Although we should not be cramped for space, it is still helpful if you would email me if you plan to attend.
We will begin as usual at 3 pm with an introduction to this powerful and effective approach to meditation. There will be ample opportunity for practice with feedback from Mike, so this workshop will be heavily experiential in nature. The Endicott Visitors Center is located at 300 Lincoln Ave in Endicott, in the park directly across the street from Union Endicott High School.

Mike Conners
Mike practiced meditation and self-inquiry for over thirty years before his search ended with Self-realization. He has taught Effortless Meditation to hundreds of students, and holds weekly meditation meetings in Cincinnati. He also appears in the spiritual documentary Closer than Close. For samples of Mike's writing, see www.tatfoundation.org/forum_index.htm.

Never Not Here

2010-04-26T04:33:00.001-04:00

I was in Boston this week-end attending a retreat with Jac O'Keeffe (www.jackieokeeffe.com). She is a great teacher, and I highly recommend checking out her videos. Most of the retreat was videotaped and streamed live over the internet by Richard Miller (www.nevernothere.com), who is based in Chicago. Richard did a 90 minute interview with me, which will be edited and then available on his website. Richard's website has many interviews with nondual teachers as well as other interesting material. He is doing a great service by making an enormous amount of material available for free to the interested public.

Buson (1716-1784)

2010-04-10T13:35:00.001-04:00

Below is a poem of Buson', along with my commentary and response.

His Holiness the Abbot

His Holiness the Abbot
is shitting
in the withered fields.
Buson

Old man Buson is indiscriminate, showering wisdom on rich and poor alike.

Fertilizer
dropping from the sky
lands nowhere.

Buson was a Japanese poet and painter from the Edo period. The great poets Basho and Issa were also products of this era. English version of Buson by Lucien Stryk and Takashi Ikemoto (1988),The Penguin Book of Zen Poetry.

REALIZATIONS

2010-04-04T21:16:00.010-04:00

REALIZATIONS FROM NO-MIND AWARENESS

Nothing is personal
It is what it is.
Nothing is anybody else's fault
Everyone is doing the best they can.
You are doing the best you can.
There is no need for judgment of self or others.
Nothing could have been any different from what it was.

CONTROL
We attempt to control everything.
We actually control nothing.
Our efforts to control Reality are doomed to fail.
ASSUMPTIONS

Our beliefs are based on largely unconscious assumptions we have been taught.

None of these assumptions is true.

Our experience of reality is solely the result of our unexamined

conditioned beliefs.

All beliefs and opinions are meaningless.

Everything we think we know is untrue.

All our beliefs and knowledge obscure our direct perception of Reality.

Everything we think we know is a barrier to awakening.

EGO

We must disidentify with the ego to awaken.

Through careful and repeated observation, we will naturally lost interest in our ego.

No one's ego is interesting.

Everyone's ego is more or less the same in structure.

The more we know or think we know, the more obstructed is our ability to see clearly.

THINKING

What we normally call thinking is not thinking.

The thinking we do is actually ruminating, obsessing, and worrying about imaginary pasts and futures.

What we normally call thinking has no value.

Real thinking is useful, but limited in the kinds of problems it can

productively address.

We spend very little time thinking in a useful, productive manner.

We must learn to observe our own mind to recognize this truth

for ourselves.

OBSESSING and RUMINATING

Nothing in our minds merits our attention.

We never have a good reason to worry.

A mind is a terrible place to be.

Everyone's mind is a terrible place to be.

The sooner we let go of our attachment to our thinking mind, the better.

We will never see the Truth for ourselves until we give up

the acquired addiction to what we call thinking.

We are all completely addicted to this pseudo thinking.

We falsely believe that we can know the Truth by thinking about it.

This has never once been true in human history.

It never will be true.

OBSERVE the CONTENT of YOUR MIND

The best way to evaluate the truth of these statements is

to observe carefully and objectively our own mind.

The only reason to watch the mind is to see it for what it is.

When you see your own mind as it is, you will lose complete interest in it.

If you wish, take five minutes now to observe the content of your mind.

Allow the mind to continue as usual without trying to change anything.
Avoid self-judgment as you perform this brief exercise.
If you do judge your thoughts, notice that self-judgment.

The goal is to allow the thoughts to arise naturally, just as they would if you were not observing the arising of your thoughts.

If you do this exercise with curiosity and self-acceptance,

you will notice several patterns emerge.

You will notice that your thoughts are repetitive, boring, and trivial.

You will notice that your thoughts are without value.

NARCISSISM

The vast majority of our thoughts during a typical day are self-centered.

We rarely think of anything except ourselves.

We are all completely self-absorbed and narcissistic.

We literally worship ourselves.

Most of our thoughts focus on defending and protecting ourselves.

FEELINGS

We also worship our feelings.

We are the direct and sole cause of how we feel.

No one else is ever to blame for any of our feelings.

Our feelings depend on how we interpret what happens to us.

If we interpret our experiences differently, we will instantly feel different.

This truth is extremely important to realize directly for ourselves.

Changing our emotional experience is solely up to us.

How we feel is never the result of external reality.

Changing external reality will change our feelings only briefly, at best.

How we feel is never the result of another person's behavior.

As long as we believe our feelings are the result of events

outside ourselves, we will suffer.

ENERGY

Begin to observe your overall energy level as you go through your day.

Notice how you sap your energy by your thoughts, beliefs,

emotional reactions, and automatic behavior.

Notice people, places, and experiences that seem to drain you.

Ask yourself if it is truly necessary to continue involvements that appear to drain you.

Increasing your overall energy level (Chi) is important in the awakening process.

RELATIONSHIPS

We try to control those we love.

We believe we need the other to survive.

This belief creates separation anxiety, jealousy and paranoia.

No other person can complete you.

You do not need completing.

CODEPENDENCY

Our attempts to help are usually attempts to control.

Codependency and avoidance define our relationships.

We can best help others by raising our own level of consciousness.

When we stop trying to control others, they may change on their own.

REAL vs. MANUFACTURED FEELINGS

In pure awareness, normal human feelings continue.

They come and go, quickly.

Feelings do not pass because we recreate them in our minds.

Many feelings are the result of our beliefs and are therefore optional.

Consider being offended, wounded, disrespected, etc.

Could you get by in life without such feelings?

INTIMACY

Although nothing is personal, we relate to nothing impersonally.

Intimacy results when self and other disappear.

Lose interest in yourself, and you will become intimate with all that is.

Real intimacy depends on selfless or no-self awareness.

What we call intimacy is often codependent enmeshment.

HELPING OTHERS

We do not help others when we only identify with their predicament.

Yet empathy as usually understood is important, just not enough.

A genuine lightness of being is transformative for all.

PRESENCE AWARENESS

Just this, nothing more.

In going and returning we never leave home.

All that you seek is here, now.

Michael Hall PhD August, 2008

New audio recordings posted to website

2010-03-25T11:25:00.004-04:00

Two new audio recordings have been posted to my website. To listen go to the site: www.awakentotruth.com/mp3s.html. The first one is the talk I gave at the Self Inquiry Group retreat in Raleigh in October 2009. I had posted this talk earlier, but took it down to try and improve the audio quality. It is titled Awakening in Daily Life. The second talk is the satsang given at my office Sunday, March 14, 2010. The primary topic of this talk was Doing without a Doer.
Many thanks to Mark Scorelle and Steve Kraft for assistance with recording, editing, and posting these recordings.

Silent Meditation Retreat

2010-02-21T17:52:00.007-05:00

Michael Hall PhD

Dates: Friday, June 11 (5 pm) to Sunday June 13, 2010 (after lunch)
Location: Light on the Hill Retreat Center (http://www.lightonthehill.org/)
Cost: $295.00 (see details)

This retreat is held in silence, except for teachings by Michael.

The purpose of maintaining external silence is to encourage the development of internal silence. Only when the thinking mind is silent can spiritual transformation occur. When we are quiet and able to focus on the workings of our own mind, we inevitably become aware of how noisy our mental activity is. Paying attention to this noise, which is the content of our thoughts, is the most direct practice for waking up.

Time dedicated to silence, especially in the setting of a spiritual retreat, creates a profound opportunity to observe and experience how trivial and meaningless this constant mental busyness is. By careful self observation, we can grow sufficiently detached from identifying with the passing content of our own mind that we effortlessly lose interest in it. With this perceptual shift, an entirely new and unfamiliar world opens to us.

Come and join us in a supportive group environment in a beautiful natural setting at Light on the Hill Retreat Center. Discover for yourself the wonder of Presence Awareness. Our goal is nothing less than to realize our full potential as human beings by disappearing to who and what we have always thought we are.

We encourage full-time, residential attendance for many reasons. The depth of involvement in the shared group experience is sharply magnified for those who are able to commit to full-time, on-site attendance. Even a very brief (two-day) physical separation from the ordinary preoccupations and attachments of our daily life is enormously powerful, especially when coming together with others with the shared intention of spiritual growth. Depriving oneself even so briefly of the familiar comforts and structures the ego depends on can liberate enormous energy. Accommodation to schedules and group living helps to bring into sharp relief ego-based attachments that cannot easily be seen otherwise.

Although primarily focused on residential training, we also will again make it possible for those who cannot stay over to attend part or all of the retreat. Those attending will have a wonderful opportunity to devote full attention to trusting in and allowing the progressive disappearance of self-centered striving. Only then can awareness operating freely in the world emerge for the benefit of all beings.

Michael Hall, PhD is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Binghamton, NY. Michael studied and practiced Zen Buddhism for many years beginning in 1978. An initial experience of non-dual awareness emerged in 1982. Like virtually all first glimpses, this experiential awareness was fleeting. Still the appetite for an enduring awakening had taken hold, as well as an absolute faith in the spiritual truths reported by Shakyamuni Buddha and the Zen teachers of ancient China and Japan. Years of frequent silent meditation retreats allowed this awareness to deepen and expand, yet there was still searching for true liberation. The continuous experiential Knowing that this is it emerged many years later after an apparent surrendering of the desire to become anything at all. With this much deeper and more pervasive understanding, there arose simultaneously a reconnection with his childhood roots in the Christian tradition.

Michael now shares this knowledge of Self with a growing number of students. He draws on the writing and teaching of contemporary and historical mystics, joining the common threads in Christian, Buddhist, Advaita, and Non-Dual traditions to share a message of the possibility and promise of personal transformation and liberation from egoic illusion.

The Center Cannot Hold TAT Week-end Intensive

2010-02-13T14:41:00.021-05:00

How much longer can you hold it together? "It" being your carefully crafted self: fending off death and searching for love in a dozen hopeless ways every day, creating a story that has no hope of survival. All the while, sages and books of wisdom tell us that everything is perfect as it is; "that each man is the whole." And this paradox swirls around a tiny pinpoint, an insubstantial center called "you."

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold," is a metaphor for change, and change we must to meet the challenge of revealing our true nature. Join us for the April 2010 weekend intensive, April 17 and 18, beginning at 10 AM Saturday and going through Sunday evening. In the spirit of friendship, we'll share stories, tips and techniques for change.

Location

The event is being held in TAT's beautiful, rural facility near Wheeling, WV. Wheeling is in the Northern Panhandle of West Virginia approximately 1 hour from Pittsburgh International Airport and 2.5 hours from Columbus International Airport. View a list of lodging and dining facilities within a 25-mile radius of our retreat center.

Costs

$50 per non-TAT member ($30 for students) covers the event cost, including lunch and dinner on Saturday and Sunday. Lodging and all other meals are not included. Coffee and tea will be provided. Participants can bring other drinks, snacks, and special foods. Space is limited, so registration is required. The deadline for registration is Friday, April 10th. Upon receipt of your registration, we will send you a packet containing information on lodging and driving directions. You may cancel your registration before April 9th and receive a refund, minus a $5 handling fee. Cancellations after April 9th will not be refunded.
Use PayPal to pay with these credit cards (PayPal account not necessary). PayPal is "fast, free and secure" and allows payment by credit card or electronic withdrawal from a bank account. Checks (in US dollars, drawn on a US bank) or money orders (domestic only) made payable to the TAT Foundation are also accepted if received by the registration deadline.

Become a TAT member for $40 before March 17th and attend the April intensive for free.
(Members bring food or contribute toward the meals.)
Visit our membership page for information about TAT memberships.

For more information...

email: TAT Foundation events
phone: (304) 845-8244 (304) 845-8244

For checks (in US$ drawn on a US bank) or money orders (domestic only), payable to the TAT Foundation, mail to:

April Conference
103 Arlington Ave.
Moundsville, WV 26041

New audio on AwakenToTruth.com

2010-01-30T16:58:00.001-05:00

Four new spoken audio selections have been updated to the website. You can listen to them here:

http://awakentotruth.com/mp3s.html

American Red Cross Contribution

2010-01-26T03:25:00.000-05:00

Attendees at Sunday's (Jan 24) satsang contributed a total of $560 to the American Red Cross Haiti Relief fund. I am grateful to each of you for your generosity of spirit (and of money!). As we discussed in this teaching, it is both possible and important to work on both the level of duality/form in which material goods matter greatly, and the level of the nondual/energetic/spiritual. Ultimately these apparent dualities dissolve into direct knowing emerging spontaneously and continuously from the nomind awareness of what is.

HAITI ON MY MIND

2010-01-16T14:14:00.005-05:00

As long as space and time remain

As long as sentient beings remain

Until then may I too remain

And relieve the miseries of the world.

SHANTIDEVAS PRAYER

This prayer is the Tibetan Buddhist version of the Bodhisattvas’ vow. All Mahayana Buddhists (Tibetan and Zen) are committed to what is real, namely inclusion of all beings in the Great Way. The purpose of the search and ultimate realization of the Real (Enlightenment) is the liberation from suffering for all sentient beings. Sentient means all beings with a nervous system, which are therefore capable of experiencing pain and suffering. Thus this liberation is not restricted to human beings, but includes animals, reptiles, fish, birds, and so forth. The current devastation and suffering in Haiti is truly beyond our comprehension. The pain and suffering of human beings is palpable and compelling. Rarely considered is the unimaginable suffering of other beings we share our lives with, such as household pets, domestic farm animals, and so forth. The collision of tectonic plates cannot be good for fish and other ocean dwellers either. Yet this crisis provides those of us comfortably ensconced in the United States an important opportunity to remember our essential oneness with all beings. We are neither separate from nor the same as anything whatsoever. How can we best assist those who suffer? How can we best help ourselves and our families? We may turn to the concept of skillful means. We can provide assistance at the level of money, which is obviously needed and beneficial. At the teaching on Haiti Sunday, January 24, all donations received will be forwarded to the International Red Cross Haiti relief effort. How else can we help?

In the January 24 teaching we will work on becoming increasingly aware of our internal blocks to the natural flowering of compassion, which is our true nature as human beings. In the deepest sense, compassion begins at home. I am repeatedly startled by how harsh most of us are with our imagined faults and failings. A lot of my psychotherapy time is spent helping people become more aware of the relentless self-bully in their heads. We cannot see the suffering of others until we have developed some perspective on how we create so much needless suffering for ourselves. In every moment our goal is to be fully present for what is real. Adding nothing, nothing taken away, just …this..exactly as it is.

This past week on Ebay I bought a small hand-printed Thanka with the following poem attribute to the current Dalai Lama. I do not know the source, but it seems appropriate in this context.

NEVER GIVE UP

no matter what is going on

Never give up

Develop the heart

Too much energy in your country

Is spent developing the mind

Instead of the heart

Develop the heart

Be compassionate

Not just to your friends

But to everyone

Be compassionate

Work for peace

In your heart and in the world

Work for peace

And I say again

Never give up

No matter what is happening

No matter what is going on around you

Never give up

H.H. The XIV Dalai Lama

New David Scoma audio available

2010-01-16T13:49:00.000-05:00

David Scoma is a wonderful teacher I met in Raleigh at the Self Inquiry Group teaching week-end in October. I highly recommend listening to the audio recordings available on his excellent website www.justperception.net. "Each War Is Different, Each War Is The Same" is a talk he gave several weeks ago in Raleigh. When you visit David’s website, notice also his interesting comments on movies from a spiritual perspective.

Andy Hall new EP

2009-12-22T04:29:00.013-05:00

My older son Andy is a professional bluegrass musician who lives in Nashville. Below is a description of a new collection of songs he has released. If you click on the link, you will be taken to the CDBaby website where you can listen to excerpts of these songs, and order the CD if you wish. Of particular interest might be the song Brokedown City, possibly an homage to Binghamton(?!)
"Andy Hall plays and sings with excitement, passion, precision and a dynamic that is quickly establishing him as one of the top players in acoustic music today. A founding member of the acclaimed young bluegrass band, The Infamous Stringdusters, Hall won three IBMA awards with the group in 2007 (Best Album, Emerging Artist, and Song of the Year) for their debut effort Fork In The Road. Andy's 2008 Sugar Hill Release The Sound of the Slide Guitar won the International Bluegrass Music Award for Instrumental Album of the Year. His current 5 song self release, Aquafier, continues to push the boundaries of acoustic music. Aquafier is a 5 song collection of modern Dobro music featuring some of Andy's favorite musicians, including the Infamous Stringdusters. This album ranges from funk, to newgrass, to ambient electric, and includes one vocal feature."
http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vY2RiYWJ5LmNvbS9jZC9hbmR5aGFsbDM=

The Problem with Awakening

2009-12-02T20:19:00.002-05:00

The topic of this Sunday's teaching will be taken from the post below. The portion in quotes is Adyashanti, with the other comments by Mark Scorelle. The main point to grasp with this work is that it is never ceasing. No matter how far you have gone, or think you have gone, there is much work left to be done by no one. Adya does a wonderful job of succiently summarizing some of the most difficult challenges for both teacher and student post-awakening. The deprogramming of deeply ingrained, automatic, largely unconscious habits and beliefs must continue as long as there is a bodymind. We will discuss in this teaching how to recognize and deconstruct these ingrained habits (vasanas) in yourself.

Adyashanti talks about the common 'I got it; I lost it' experience with awakeners - an awakening is followed by a return to duality.

“So why, then, does awakening vacillate? It mostly has to do with our conditioning. There are areas within ourselves that are so conditioned that, at first, not even awakening is able to penetrate them. As such, we haven't become totally free. Another word for conditioning is karma. Karma is a word that comes from the East and, without going into any esoteric meanings or explanations, means cause and effect. It refers to the conditioning we've received from our life experiences - the things we are predisposed to like or not like, based on our past experience."

Interestingly, despite the awakening, the remainder of one's conditioning means that ego is still functioning, and the challenge is to be honest enough to see it, acknowledge it, and do something about it.

“As a spiritual teacher, getting people to this state of honesty, or suggesting that they go there, can be quite difficult. This is because there is a strong tendency in the egoic structure to use awakening as a reason to hide from all of one's inner divisions. When I suggest some of the things I'm talking about here, like recognizing where we unenlighten ourselves, some of my students will say, 'But there's nobody to do that. There is no person here. The ego and person is an illusion, so there's really no one to look inside.' From the perception of awakening, there isn't a problem, even when things are a total mess. From the perception of awakening, there isn't a problem; therefore there is nothing to do. If you perceive that there is something to do, you're deluded.

It can be very difficult for any spiritual teacher to get through to students like this, to get them to stop holding on to their fixation on an absolute view. This is one of the dangers of awakening: the tendency to grasp at a lopsided view. We grasp at the absolute view of awakening, and we deny anything else. It is actually the ego that fixates on the absolute in this way, using it as an excuse for dismissing unenlightened behavior, thought patterns, and divided emotional states.”

In other words, the awakening process gets hijacked by the ego.

Posted by Mark Scorelle 12/1/09 on the Wisdoms Goldenrod listserv (wisdom-l@yahoogroupgs.com)

I have noticed a tendency for people with some degree of awakened awareness to 'hide in the cave of nonduality'. This is partly what Adyashanti is alluding to in his commentary. There are many potential pitfalls on the spiritual path. The issue described here is one of the most problematic post-awakening seductions. We will examine it, as well as the way back to Truth.

Gratitude at Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T07:58:00.001-05:00

This seems like an ideal time to step back and give thanks for all the help I receive in providing this teaching. I am deeply grateful to Mary Lou Herrick who has been closely involved with every detail of my as yet unpublished book since I started writing it 2 ½ years ago. In the process I have become a much better writer, although the more I write the more appreciation develops for those who are truly good at it. Mary Lou is a gifted poet as well as editor. Karen Madsen has managed all but one of my silent retreats, and has worked closely with me on all aspects including publicity, student contact, and on-site management. Karen also designed and developed my website. She has excellent judgment, and is developing into a gifted teacher herself. Mark Scorelle has been a dependable and consistent source of support and encouragement. For a long time his willingness to record my talks was the only reason such recordings now exist. He has recently taught me how to do my own recordings, and how to improve them using Adobe Audition software. He is remarkably patient and kind. Elliot Sullivan, who aspires to be the first enlightened stand-up comic, has provided invaluable, knowledgeable, and skilled help in editing and publishing my book and other educational materials. Steven Kraft is teaching me how to upload the audios to FileZilla and from there to get them onto my website and blog. None of this kind of work is easy for me, and I deeply appreciate those who help teach me. Gaye King managed the one retreat Karen couldn't attend, and made it effortless for me. She is developing into an inspiring teacher of energetic healing. There are many others who have helped in the past and present, too many to list now. Suffice it to say that any worthwhile endeavor is truly a group effort. It not only takes a village to raise a loving child, but also to provide this teaching to those who seek it.

Audio Recordings Available for Download

2009-11-26T07:30:00.033-05:00

Below are audio recordings of recent talks I have given. They are also available on my website. Many thanks to Steven Kraft and Mark Scorelle for helping me with this project. The audio files open easily with Fire Fox, Google, or Safari, but not with Internet Explorer. We are working on this issue. We are also still working on improving the audio quality, especially the Raleigh talk, although it's not bad as is. Feedback and comments are more than welcome.

Opening Talk Nov 2009 Retreat: the ego, it's purpose and structure

Michael and Bart Marshall Teaching in Binghamton June 2009   105 min
Michael Wisdoms Goldenrod Teaching Day Morning September 2009    95 min
Opening Talk June 2009 Retreat
These and other recordings are available at:

http://www.awakentotruth.com/mp3s.html

Michael Satsang July 2009    101 min
http://www.awakentotruth.com/audio/data/WMH-Satsang-July_26_2009.mp3

November Moon

2009-11-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

Evening Silent Retreat

2009-11-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

Morning Mist

2009-11-25T22:26:00.000-05:00

2009-11-25T22:19:00.000-05:00

RETREAT NOVEMBER 2009

Comment by Donovan on "Should Spiritual Teachers Charge"

2009-11-25T09:01:00.001-05:00

Nice post. Having come out of the dualist Christian fundamentalist church, I heard the same arguments about charging for the "gospel" for years. Now being enlightened to the point of accepting what is as truth, I can see clearly that receiving compensation for anything is fine and natural. It's the word games and manipulation around the giving and receiving that causes most of the problems- especially the judgements of what is right or wrong. My conclusion is that most of the discussion is always in favor of the one who already has the most money. Case in point. I used to be a talent agent for Christian celebrities back in the 80's. Oral Roberts Minsitries wanted one of my people to appear on the Oral Roberts TV show- of course for free. I declined and said my artist would do it for the normal fee of $5,000. Of course what happened next is classic ego response- used both in the dualistic and non-dualistic realm. First the guilt, then the, "You know if your artist appears for free, God (or the Universe) will give back to you 100 times, yada yada yada. What I did next, proved to me how full of it most people are when coming out of ego. I said, is that so. Is that the truth. The person said, yes, God said it, its true we believe it. I then said. Great, pay my client 10 times his normal fee- $50,000, that way God will really bless you and you will get back $500,000! Amazing, how when confronted with their own logic they actually got angry with me. This was a turning point in my life. Because basically everything we do in life is a transaction of some kind. Whether we use "money" to trade, there is always a trade. To expect one party to give up theire portion as required by the other party to the contract violates every natural law of the universe. It's then all ego.

Peace out.
November 24, 2009 3:20 PM

SHOULD SPIRITUAL TEACHERS CHARGE?

2009-11-23T21:02:00.007-05:00

Someone has to tackle this particular hot potato, so here goes. The issue of money changing hands when spiritual teaching occurs is one of the looniest, most irrational, and divisive issues I have encountered since beginning to teach publicly over 5 years ago. Those who actually know through their own experience something about Awareness realize that there are no hard and fast rules about anything. Yet I have encountered many who believe they know for certain that 'spiritual teaching' should be free-always. Some believe that any spiritual teacher who charges money is necessarily a fraud merely because they charge! Fixed beliefs about anything whatsoever are guaranteed to be dead wrong, yet this particular fixed belief remains largely unchallenged. Isn't that curious? Let's look into this particular notion a bit more deeply.
SPIRITUAL TEACHING?

First, we might wonder what 'spiritual teaching' is. Can we define it? How do we know that someone is teaching spirituality, and not merely teaching reality, or the truth? In my case, I have been a full-time practicing clinical psychologist for over 35 years. When I teach my understanding of the truth, or reality, the teaching is heavily influenced by my many years of absorption in helping others and myself become less crazy and more functional human beings. When does it stop being psychology and start being spiritual?

Can we isolate 'spiritual teaching' from the ebb and flow of our life? Of course not. The teaching that comes through me is deeply psychological, certainly spiritual, practical, user-friendly, and sensible. Even asking the question of charging for spiritual teaching presupposes that there is such a thing. For a long time I have been hesitant to use the term spiritual to describe this teaching. Who said it's spiritual? Is chopping wood and carrying water 'spiritual'? How about feeding your children? Driving to work? Talking with your aged parents? Anyone who actually Knows recognizes that you cannot draw arbitrary boundaries around life. Why call it anything at all? It's just… this, nothing more, nothing less. Calling it spiritual or calling it anything at all separates us from the direct experience of what is Real.

OK, so now we at least know that there is no such thing as spiritual teaching. This is a very big step in the right direction. We can all breathe a sigh of relief. For a moment. But back to the issue of charging money for teaching… this. Every time I open my mouth, this comes out. I have nothing to do with it. It just happens on its own. Sitting in my psychological office counseling troubled clients, this occurs. Of course it does. How could it not. Should I charge? Let's say I don't charge because of some misguided notion about the inherent wrongness of charging for teaching. What would happen? For starters, I would quickly be unable to pay my bills and would become a financial burden upon those who do charge for practicing their craft. If I didn't charge, would I be more holy, righteous, or Realized? My phone rings off the hook now. I have taken very few new clients for years. There are only so many hours in a day, and only so many days in anyone's productive life. How do I choose to spend my remaining time? If I wish to have some freedom to write, create teaching CDs, DVDS, and other useful media which might help those who are willing to learn, I need to be able to make a living.
KARMA AND MORE

There's more. Let's say you are fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of top-notch, free spiritual teaching. What are your karmic obligations? For our current purposes, we will also assume that you have not yet evolved enough to know that 'karma' should always be followed by 'chameleon'. Let's pretend that karma is very real. Do you really believe that there is a free lunch anywhere in the universe? Do you think you might incur some karmic debt by receiving such a rare gift without any reciprocity or payment of any sort on your part? It's true that accurate teaching is priceless, and extremely rare. Always has been and always will be. But are priceless and free the same thing? Wouldn't you rather pay for what you receive? I know I would. The end result of spiritual evolution is becoming an actual adult, responsible but not constrained by fear and trembling. Do you somehow think you deserve to be given what is truly priceless for free? What makes you think that? Many humans are beset by issues of entitlement. I consider the belief in entitlement to be the root of all evil. Give it up. Now. Entrenched 'spiritual seekers' are among some of the most entitled and narcissistic people I have ever met. Let's pause for a moment and remember the parting words of Shakyamuni Buddha, namely, become a light unto yourself. Do the work. Figure it out. Seek guidance from the highest sources of spiritual wisdom you can find. Expect to compensate these rare ones in some realistic manner. Grow up, quit whining and get to work. No one is special. Do not incur karmic debts. Pay for what you receive.
COMMON SENSE

Are there, in fact, real spiritual teachers who teach without expecting anything at all in return? I know a few, but they are very low key and barely visible. Look at it this way. If teaching is occurring, someone somewhere is paying for it. Why shouldn't those who receive the teaching be the ones who pay? Isn't that common sense? Unlike some spiritual teachers, I highly value common sense. We should see more of it in the spiritual marketplace. It actually costs quite a lot to provide even the most basic teaching. David Hawkins, for whom I have the highest regard, was once challenged on why he charged 'so much' for his teaching. Dr. Hawkins often charges $100 or so to be part of a large class (250 people) in his hometown of Sedona, Arizona. He took the question seriously, insisting that he receives nothing whatsoever for the teaching he does. All proceeds go to a nonprofit foundation, and the income is easily consumed by the ordinary expenses of providing the teaching, i.e., renting space, publicity and public relations, secretarial costs, website fees, consultants charges, publishing costs, insurance, legal and other professional fees, ad infinitum. We can be remarkably childlike, ignorant and entitled where money is concerned. Someone somewhere is paying. Should it be the teacher?
SOMEBODY PAYS

The Indian guru Sai Baba provides free education and medical care in wonderful facilities in poor parts of India. Who pays for these services? A single American benefactor donated $100 million to help underwrite this effort. Many American teachers are supported by nonprofit foundations, such as Zen Centers, Tibetan monasteries, ashrams, and so forth. These are worthwhile endeavors, and I have personally supported such efforts for over 30 years. Are the teachings free? Extensive fund-raising efforts accompany such free or low-cost teaching. I pay $550 per year to the Rochester Zen Center to be a member, even though at this point I have no real contact. I have been a member continuously for nearly 30 years. I am glad to give in this manner. Somebody somewhere is paying. Remember this. Other teachers, like Richard Rose, never charged any money for his wonderful teaching. Was it free? A casual reading of by After the Absolute by David Gold and Bart Marshall reveals that most students worked like dogs on the farm in West Virginia. Nearly all were young men, and I'm sure the hard physical labor did them a world of good. But what if the students were 70 years old and in poor health? Would they have been able to keep up? Who would teach those who are not young and fit?

Maybe 15 years or so ago, I was involved in a peripheral manner with the successful attempt to bring a well-known 'spiritual teacher' to town. A non-profit wanted to bring a recognizable speaker who could reach across diverse professional fields and appeal to a variety of people. The event began life as both a fund raiser and a community educational experience. The only problem is that the coveted teacher wanted $30,000 plus first class travel expenses to come and present a single three hour talk. There also may have been a small, brief meeting for invited poobahs, I forget, but I'm trying to be scrupulously fair and accurate. It turns out the fee and assorted expenses were completely non-negotiable. If our nonprofit did not want his Excellency, there were many others that did, and were very willing to pay the full freight. Swallowing hard on this end, the deal was consummated. I was in shock, actually speechless. Also, breathtakingly naive. Strangely, I was even more peripherally involved with a different nonprofit who had the similarly bright idea to invite the same esteemed speaker a few years later. Guess what? The fee now was $50,000! No negotiation! Again, against better judgment and wiser counsel, the second nonprofit bought the farm; drank the cool aid. The speaker came and gave a good talk. I had to pay $30 to hear it, which seemed a bit steep, but I could afford it, and I did want to see what all the fuss was about. I like this guy, and have tried to imagine his reasoning for charging so much and being so inflexible. Perhaps it might be something like the belief that he will know how to spend the money in a manner that will best benefit humanity and the planet. That is, he will better know how to spend our money than we would. Maybe I'm wrong-just guessing. I do know that he is a brilliant writer and teacher, and is a generous and kind man in many ways. Last year my 18 year old son was attending an international youth peace conference at a hotel where this man was teaching. He noticed many bright, inquisitive young people, and inquired about the nature of the event. Learning more, he volunteered to speak with the group for 1 ½ hours before dinner. His generosity was accepted. He did this because he wanted to, without thought of compensation. God bless him.
CONTEXT MATTERS

What does this vignette have to do with the matter at hand? Maybe a partial, temporary solution is suggested. Perhaps fees 'should' be determined by context. In my office, it would be hopelessly codependent, not to say insane, to insist on never charging for spiritual/psychological teaching. I charge what other psychologists in my community charge. The fees are basically determined by insurance companies and Medicare. Much of the teaching I do in my community and out-of-town is provided either free or for small donations. I do try to cover the actual direct cost to me of providing the teaching. This is not always easy to accomplish, and not always necessary. I really enjoy teaching anyone who is deeply committed and open, and in that case I don't care much whether I am being paid or not. My recent trip to Raleigh, NC to teach with a wonderful group organized and led by Bart Marshall was such an experience. I enjoyed every minute of it, felt privileged to be there, and would return if asked in a heartbeat. There is a contact high of sorts that emerges when a group of people gather together to work seriously on awakening their natural ability to be present. However, I couldn't afford to make this model my default setting, regardless of how satisfying it is to me and others.
In most contexts it doesn't seem right that because I have something worthwhile to teach, that I should pay to teach it. Yet for now I am willing to underwrite the teaching I do to a some extent when necessary or desired. We all have the fundamental right to decide where and with whom we choose to be, as well as whether we charge for our work or not. We'll see how this evolves. Even so I am astonished at how much criticism I have received from some true-believers, mostly indirectly, for even being willing to accept donations. I will continue to charge for my time and effort in a way that makes sense to me. Others will have to find their own path.

Binghamton Buddhist Meditation Group

2009-10-26T13:39:00.003-04:00

Questions and Answers with Michael Hall

Nov
4

Wed
7:00 PM

Location First United Methodist Church

                                           53 McKinley Ave.
                                           Classroom 2 (ground floor level)
                                           Endicott, NY 13760

Who's organizing?
Charles Goodman

Dr. Michael Hall, psychologist and spiritual teacher, will answer your questions about life, emotions, and spiritual practice.

We start with 20 minutes of meditation. Beginners are welcome, and basic meditation instruction is provided if needed

Enlightenment and Grace

2009-10-06T04:41:00.000-04:00

"Enlightenment and Grace: Removing Resistance to Destiny" A Weekend Spiritual Intensive

Friday, October 9th - Sunday, October 11th, 2009 Durant Nature Park - Raleigh, North Carolina
"Do understand that you are destined for enlightenment. Cooperate with your destiny, don't go against it, don't thwart it. Allow it to fulfill itself." -- Nisargadatta Maharaj "Man is asked to make of himself what he must become to fulfill his destiny." -- Paul Tillich "Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me." -- John Newton
The Self Inquiry Discussion Group (SIG) of Raleigh, NC is hosting a weekend intensive October 9th - 11th, 2009. The purpose of this retreat is to provide a forum for like-minded individuals to convene with the intent of furthering the search, and advancing the endeavor of finding an answer to one's deepest longing. Seekers and finders alike will come together in an atmosphere of friendship, camaraderie, and focused intention. You are encouraged to come and participate, to share what you may have to offer fellow seekers, and to welcome help from others. The weekend will include a variety of speakers and activities, all geared toward helping one to hear and heed the Call. We will open the weekend at 7:30 p.m. Friday, October 9th and continue through the evening of Sunday the 11th, checking out of the lodge by 9:45 Monday morning. (You are encouraged to arrive prior to 7:30 p.m. Friday in order to settle in at the lodge and to hang out. The space is available to us starting at 1:00 p.m. Friday, so you are welcome any time after that.) The agenda will include presentations led by Avery Solomon, Bart Marshall, Bob Cergol, Bruce Rubin, David Scoma, Michael Casari, Michael Hall, Mike Conners, and Nathan Spoon, along with sessions centered on a variety of thought-provoking topics and insight-inducing experiments. http://www.selfinquiry.org/. MORE on the SELF INQUIRY DISCUSSION GROUP of RALEIGH, NC The Self Inquiry Discussion Group provides an opportunity to meet with others involved in the search for Truth and Self-definition via Self-inquiry. Our meetings consist of an informal and open discussion of paths, teachers, techniques, philosophical and spiritual systems, and possible ways and means for expediting the search. The discussions are not academic or theoretical, but rather focus on our own personal experiences as seekers. There is usually also a period of silent meditation at some point during the evening. Most people who continue to come to our meetings are not concerned with "Why should I seek Self-realization?" but rather, "What is the best way to go about it?" There is a paradox in that we use words to talk about that which is beyond words, and although there is often talk of paths and things to do, there is also general agreement that the best approach is subtractive: that is, rather than try to accumulate more spiritual and worldly knowledge, doubt the truth of all you think you already know. If you find yourself drawn to teachers like Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Richard Rose, Ramana Maharshi, Douglas Harding, Tony Parsons, Franklin Merrell-Wolff, Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti, and the ancient masters of Zen, Advaita Vedanta, and Christian Mysticism, you may find the retreat and our meetings very worthwhile.

Whose Mind Is It?

2009-10-03T08:43:00.002-04:00

Even Now

2009-09-30T16:21:00.001-04:00

“To Be Shown to the Monks at a Certain Temple” by Chiao Jan

Seaton, J.P. The Shambhala Anthology of Chinese Poetry.

Not yet to the shore of nondoing,

it's silly to be sad you're not moored yet...

Eastmount's white clouds say

to keep on moving, even

if it's evening, even if it's fall.

Michael's commentary:

Even here, even there.

Even now, even then.

There’s no mooring on this shore.

Further.

Reflections with Paul Brunton

2009-09-21T15:39:00.004-04:00

Wisdoms Goldonrod Teaching Day

Septeber 19, 2009

Prerequisites to Awakening

There are No Prerequisites

Faith in Buddha, Dharma, Sanga

Arouse the Mind that seeks the Way

Ego Strength

Need to Know

Dissatisfaction with Ordinary Life

Accurate Teaching

Faith in Your Ability to Realize the Truth

Psychological and Energetic Work

Suffering

Practice Before Awakening

Meditation

Commitment

Diligence

Persistence

Relentlessness

Refusal to Quit

Devotional Practice

Seclusion

Purification

Physical Fitness

Chi Practice

Energetic Awareness

Practice After Awakening

Degrees of Awakening

Vasanas

Meditation Optional

Reflection

Humility

Service

The Path of the Bodhisattva

No Personal Choice

Karma

The Nature of Awakening

It's Not What You Think

The End of the Seeker

No Observer Remains

"In Going and Returning"

Wu Wei

Just This, Nothing More

It Is What It Is

The Father and the Son are Not Two, Not Even One

The Tenth Ox Herding Picture

Thus shall you think of all this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a steam;
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream.

"The Diamond Sutra" in Low, A. (2000). Zen and the sutras. Boston: Tuttle.

Self Inquiry Intensive -- October 9-11, 2009

2009-09-18T17:25:00.001-04:00

Self Inquiry Intensive -- October 9-11, 2009

I will be teaching in Raliegh, North Carolina October 9 as part of the Self Inquiry Intensive described in this link.

WISDOMS GOLDENROD TEACHING DAY

2009-09-18T17:23:00.000-04:00

DATE: September 19, 2009

SCHEDULE: 9:00 to 9:45 Meditation
                     10 to 1 PM Teaching/discussion
                     1 to 2 PM   Lunch will be provided
                     2 to 5 PM Teaching/discussion
                     5 to 5:45 PM Meditation

DONATION: $30 is suggested, which includes lunch.
LOCATION: Wisdom's Goldenrod, 5801 NYS Route 414, Hector, NY 14841

This teaching will be focused on the work of Paul Brunton(PB). For those of you who are unfamiliar with his work, PB was an English spiritual seeker of the first order. He is currently relatively underappreciated, although I believe that will soon change. PB was the first Westerner to 'discover' and bring into global awareness Ramana Maharshi after visiting Ramana in India in the 1940's. He was the author of many books on spiritual subjects. In my reading of his work, it is clear that he was awakened to the truth of his being. What was truly special about PB was his somewhat uncanny ability to articulate clearly and accurately most aspects of the true spiritual path. He brought the light of wisdom into the Western , English-speaking world at a time when it was rare, hard-to-find, and sorely needed.

It is very hard to appreciate how fortunate we all are to have had such intrepid souls blazing the trail for us to follow. Wisdoms Goldenrod assumed the enormous responsibility of editing and publishing PBs unfinished work, and has enabled his work to survive and grow in recognition. When I first began to teach at Wisdoms Goldenrod several years ago, I was privileged to be given multiple volumes in the 16 volume Collected Works of Paul Brunton. This teaching day is among other things my attempt to return this gift, and to express my gratitude and appreciation.

Like all real spiritual teaching, what is taught this day emerges spontaneously of-it's- own from the direct experience on no-mind awareness. However, it still can be helpful to have some general organizing principles, and today we will consider the seven qualities of PB's philosophic discipline as described in The Hidden Teaching Beyond Yoga. It is not necessary to read PB's work beforehand, although it might help some if you are the kind of person who enjoys reading.

There are many long-time members of Wisdoms who know far more about the works of PB than I will ever know, and I will routinely defer to them regarding factual questions about this work. However, I trust completely in Mind itself to reveal what I need to say to contribute to this discussion. I look at this day as being a wonderful opportunity to discuss and share this challenging work. I'm sure all who attend will leave with a much deeper appreciation not only of PB, but also of this Perennial Philosophy which manifests in all times and places as your very own Self.

If you would like to attend, email me. You may also check the Wisdoms Goldenrod website: www.wisdomsgolenrod.org. Wisdoms is located in a spectacular setting on the east side of Seneca lake in the village of Hector, New York. The address is :

5801 NYS route 414
Hector, NY 14841
Phone: 607-546-777
email: www.wisdomsgoldenrod@gmail.com

Partial topic list from the seven qualities of the Philosophic Discipline are :

The Truth Above All.
Hold On and Hope On.
Think!
Inner Detachment.
Concentration, Calmness, and Reverie
Reason Must Master Emotion.
Give Up the Ego!

Michael Hall July 2009 satsang

2009-08-11T17:03:00.004-04:00

Below is a link to a recording of the July 26, 2009 satsang. Total length is 1 hour and 42 minutes.

http://www.awakentotruth.com/

Satsang this Sunday July 26

2009-07-23T21:48:00.003-04:00

We will meet this Sunday at my office, 46 Riverside Dr. inBinghamton. Meditation will be from 3-4, with teaching/discussion from 4:15-5:45. Those who wish are welcome to meditate outside in the garden. This teaching will be more of a traditional satsang. I will not have a particular topic I wish to discuss, but will be open to any questions regarding spiritual awakening and associated psychological transformation. If you would like to attend, please email me.

Satsang with Bart Marshall and Michael Hall

2009-07-22T22:51:00.002-04:00

http://www.awakentotruth.com

This is a link to a recording of the teaching Bart Marshall and I did at my office on June 14, 2009. This is the first time I had met Bart, and the first time I taught with someone who is awake. It was wonderful. There were moments when I heard ‘my’ words coming out of Bart’s mouth! It was all easy, effortless and enjoyable. Thank you Bart, and please come again!

Beliefs: Set Them Free!

2009-07-06T23:26:00.002-04:00

It will eventually be seen that literally every belief that we assume is true is, in fact, merely a conditioned belief. Our beliefs are not actually true. I am tempted here to make the previous sentence say: "Frequently our beliefs are not actually true." However, this rewrite is not an accurate representation of the truth. I have been aware of making overly broad generalizations at times. I'm sure this has happened throughout my life. It just seems to be a characteristic of my personal style of communicating. However, we are talking here of the most important issues, and it's important to get it right. Consequently, the original sentence will have to stand. All of our beliefs are the direct result of prior programming and conditioning. Ordinarily, we never question the beliefs and assumptions we are brought up to believe. To wake up to what is real, it is necessary to begin to question everything we hold near and dear. No one has ever awakened without going through this radical transformation in some manner. Let go of your beliefs. Set them free.

FORMING THE INTENT TO AWAKEN

Assuming that waking up is your goal, how do you begin? There are several simple but important steps that can help. First, it must be said that ultimately awakening to your true nature always happens through grace. It doesn't appear to me that any efforts I made could possibly have accounted for the blessing of awakening. Knowing this, we must, nevertheless, do everything we can to facilitate God's grace. This immediately propels us into the question of grace versus personal effort. Both are important.

There are contemporary awakened teachers who appear to have done very little if anything to wake up. Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, and David Hawkins come to mind. In each of these cases, there had been a prolonged period of intense suffering but without any obvious spiritual practice before their profound shift occurred. Therefore, we can acknowledge that very rarely people have genuine awakenings that are profound and lasting without intense spiritual practice beforehand. The one commonality that might be identified in these three is a total giving up, an absolute surrender by the ego, which precipitated the internal change.

PRACTICE BEFORE AND AFTER AWAKENING

Practice before and after awakening is important. Any heartfelt spiritual practice will gradually wear down the ego. Essentially, both before and after awakening, it's important to work relentlessly at minimizing the attachment to the idea of me. Many people practice in a wholehearted manner for years without experiencing the realization that comes to others seemingly without effort. It's important to know that no effort is ever wasted. Ego-based beliefs continue after awakening for all but the most rare; i.e., Ramana Maharshi. The more effort that is directed to personal purification and release of ego-based delusions before awakening, the easier it will be to live in the ordinary world and function normally after awakening.

One fear that is often expressed by spiritual students is that they do not want to become totally dysfunctional after they experience the Truth. This is very understandable. I believe that deep commitment to a spiritual path especially one focused on awakening as well as working with an awakened teacher can make it infinitely easier after awakening to continue to carry out one's responsibilities. In fact, it becomes possible to clearly see what is actually necessary and what is not. Action in the world becomes much more skillful, effective, and impersonal. Enlightened activity in the world will be discussed later. Suffice it to say now that doing without a doer is one of the characteristic qualities of awakened beings. The quality of this activity is free, spontaneous, direct, unpredictable, and highly skillful. Whatever is needed happens spontaneously without any intervening person doing it.

PERCEPTION IS ALL

2009-06-15T21:38:00.005-04:00

Some of you may realize that my Gmail address is: perceptionisall@gmail.com. My continuing emphasis in teaching recognizes the way our perceptual apparatus is a combination of cognitive and neurological/biological functions that are profoundly conditioned. Change the way you perceive and you change your experience of Reality. I am trained to think scientifically, and I like to believe that there is now or soon will be a scientific substrate to what I describe from experiential realization. See below for an interesting summary of research that relates to this teaching.
"People Who Wear Rose-colored Glasses See More, Study Shows".
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090603103807.htm

THE PURPOSE OF A SILENT RETREAT

2009-06-10T06:58:00.003-04:00

A silent retreat is a rare and wonderful opportunity to dive deeply into awareness of what is true, enduring, unchanging. This "substrata" of existence is always with you, never abandons you, and yet rarely is noticed. Anything at all that we say about "it" is superfluous and indirect. It is best communicated by pure physical presence. The best art, music, and poetry reveal it to us. External and internal silence helps us to recognize this subtle yet continuous undercurrent of the real awareness of what is. Natural settings facilitate our ability to notice the world instead of our mental constructions of the world. A shared group intent formed as individuals practice attunement to reality together raises everyone's ability to pay attention. In the Zen Buddhist tradition this energy has its own name: joriki. This group-generated energy is very real, almost palpable. In the previous retreats I have led, the emergence of this group energy arises predictably within 24 hours or so. I have rarely felt it as strongly outside of a retreat setting. Silence, concentration, lack of distractions, and seriousness of purpose facilitate this flow of chi-like energy.

Metaphor, allusion, and simile are the spiritual teachers' forte. In the Gospel of Matthew 13:3, it is noted: "Then he told them many things in parables, saying 'A farmer went out to sow his seed….'". The best spiritual teaching always occurs in a format that is relevant and understandable to the audience at hand. Shakyamuni Buddha, Moses, Abraham, Ramana Maharshi and countless others have taught those with eyes to see and ears to hear in a similar manner. Narrative and story-telling often by-pass the ordinary defense structures and are utilized freely. The deepest truths are communicated through a kind of energetic resonance that is difficult to describe yet also strangely familiar. This different way of learning requires a letting-go of our ordinary death-grip on the illusion of personal control. Slipping into this open awareness is effortless for some, torturous for others. Some relaxation of our hyper-focused attention to data, logic, and reason is necessary for all who wish to recognize who and what they actually are, always have been, and can't not be.

Yet there also is a role for direct, factual, and somewhat structured teaching. I have tried to combine and interweave these two forms of teaching/knowing, as they aren't really separate for me. During this retreat the structured teaching will focus on healing emotional, physical, and energetic wounds. I will present a model of healing that appears to benefit all forms of pain and suffering. This model incorporates my realizations from over 30 years of full-time practice of psychotherapy, yet is simultaneously attuned to the correction of energetic disruptions. Ultimately pure awareness heals all. Seeing clearly, things just are the way they are as we lose interest in comparing what is with what we believe should be but isn't. As even two days is an incredibly short period of time, this will be a beginning, not a completion of this exploration into the roots of healing. However, I have found that even one fresh idea intuitively experienced and recognized can benefit oneself and other life in profound ways. Let's work together to allow awareness to unfold and manifest through us for the benefit of all beings.

THE BENEFITS OF SILENCE

2009-06-10T06:52:00.004-04:00

The purpose of maintaining external silence is to encourage the development of internal silence. When we are quiet and able to focus on the workings of our mind, we inevitably become aware of the noise and chaos of our personal mental narration. Time dedicated to silence, especially in the setting of a spiritual retreat, creates a profound opportunity to observe and experience the triviality and meaninglessness of this constant mental activity. By careful self observation and self-inquiry we can grow sufficiently detached from identifying with the passing content of our mind that we effortlessly lose interest in it. Only when the thinking mind is silent can spiritual transformation occur. With this perceptual shift, an entirely new and unfamiliar world opens to us.

RETURNING HOME

2009-06-05T09:00:00.002-04:00

MICHAEL HALL PhD

A large part of a true spiritual quest is to 'return home'. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, we believe we are a very long way from home, when in fact Auntie Em is in the next room! Where else could she be? In the beautiful and deeply alive hymn Amazing Grace, the narrator reports:"For I was lost, but now am found, by grace, amazing grace!" Like the Prodigal Son, it seems we need to wander in 'foreign lands' until our wandering releases us. This release is nothing that we can actually accomplish ourselves. That's why it is termed 'grace'. What appears to be true is that we must struggle and strive for spiritual realization, knowing that our own efforts will never be sufficient. St. Thomas Aquinas acknowledges this peculiar truth when he says: "We have to work as if it's all up to us; and pray as if it's all up to God".

So I will use the word 'God' in the same way that I would say: Buddha Mind, no mind, the Mind of Christ, your original face before your parents were born, the 'you' that isn't born and doesn't die, your True Nature, etc. I'm not saying that all these and similar terms mean exactly the same thing, but they all do point to a shapeless, formless reality that is outside of and yet not separate from space and time. I particularly like the phrase "presence awareness", and this term can readily be substituted if the word 'God' doesn't work for you. As we will see, naming our experience, while important and useful sometimes, is also one of the primary limitations to the expansion of our awareness. At issue here is no less than who and what we think we are.

Andy and Janice wedding

2009-05-12T19:58:00.000-04:00

AWAKENING

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Awakening is to embrace what is so thoroughly that there is a total disappearance of the one doing the embracing. Then there is just life occurring spontaneously in all its wonder and beauty. We are not in charge of it. We cannot make anything happen solely by our own efforts. This natural unfolding happens by grace. Absolute, involuntary surrender is the mechanism of grace arising. We learn to live by trust and intimacy with all that is, rather than by calculation, personal striving, and effort. Then all is perfect, just as it is. Nothing needs improving or changing in any way, including ourselves! Our life until this point has been one tedious self-improvement project after another. We believe that we are never O.K. exactly as we are. Resting quietly in this luminous wonder, we embrace and accept all as it is. In returning to the Source, we discover who and what we really are and always have been.

2009-04-28T15:44:00.001-04:00

2009-04-28T13:36:00.002-04:00

ALREADY AWAKE?

2009-04-26T14:09:00.005-04:00

I and many other teachers have commented that our True Nature is always here, always now. Where else could it be? Yet it is obvious that the direct experience of presence awareness is not normal or familiar to most of us. Glancing through a fairly typical neo-advaita book called Already Awake by Nathan Gill, I wondered how to understand this perspective. Many of the non-dual teachers assert that there is nothing to do, so therefore do nothing! Huh. If only it were so easy! In fact, there is a lot to do, both prior to and after awakening. To say that we are already awake is similar to saying we are already marathon runners. Obviously, such a statement is confusing. Some of us have the potential to be marathon runners if we train with passion, dedication, and skill over a long period of time. As human beings we have some potential to wake up in this life-time. Very few realize this potential. It is also true that there are infinite degrees of enlightenment. The best perspective is to drop whatever you have accomplished, or think you have, and push on.

I believe it is useful to consider how we distract our self from noticing this underlying, continuous awareness that is always present but seldom realized. If awareness is always present, which it is, why do we rarely feel it, taste it, and live it?

In our work together let's look at some of the fundamental flaws in our beliefs that prevent our seeing what is right in front of us. I call it the universal narcissism of human beings. Self-centered striving is the culprit. It is so ingrained that merely becoming aware of how self-absorbed we are takes tremendous work. This work continues even after the most profound awakening. There is nothing wrong with working hard to realize what is true. There is no lazy man’s way to awakening. In this talk we will roll up our sleeves, and dive into what is real.

FIND AND SEEK

2009-03-19T18:13:00.012-04:00

MICHAEL HALL PHD

1 And he said: Whoever finds the correct
Interpretation of these sayings
will never die.

2 Jesus said: The seeker should not stop until he
finds. When he does find, he will be disturbed. After
having been
disturbed, he will be astonished. Then
he will reign over everything.

The Gospel of Thomas

Notice the tension created in the mind by the title Find and Seek. Doesn’t seeking come before finding? Are seeking and finding two? Have you ever wondered why so few seek? Of those who do seek sincerely, why do so few find? How do we seek in a way that might lead to finding?

In Matthew 7:7 Jesus says: “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Seems promising, but how do we go about seeking? Some guidance surfaces in Matthew 7:13: “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Be assured: of those few who find, all sought first. You must truly seek with all your heart, all your mind, and all your spirit.

Finding depends on seeking. Seeking and finding, finding and seeking. Are they two? Ask yourself at this moment sincerely "Who is the seeker? Who finds?" One calls out, the other responds. In the Mumonkan, the classic book of Zen koans compiled in the 13th century by Zen Master Mumon, we find Case # 12: Zuigan Calls "Master". The challenge is presented: “Every day Master Zuigan would call out to himself, “Oh, Master!”and would answer himself “Yes?” “Wake up, wake up!” he would cry, and would answer “Yes, yes!” “Don’t be deceived by others, at any time, day or night.” “No, I will not.” Zuigan was not deceived, but how about you and I? Call and response; are there two Zuigan? What about these “others”? Are they really other, or is it just more of me talking to myself and pretending that there are two?

Seeking in a persistent, determined manner-the kind of seeking that might even lead to finding-does not come easily. Like Zuigan, we might say to our self “Remember to seek! Stay present! Be vigilant! Pay attention! Time flies by!” and answer confidently “Oh, don’t worry, I will!” I am often told, "I’m having trouble staying present". I usually say something like “Really? Where else could you be?” If I’m feeling particularly feisty, I might say “Who is the one that is trying to stay somewhere?”

Confusion is the stock and trade of a real teacher. Do you want to be comfortable, and feel in control? If so, you are in the wrong place. You cannot enter the Kingdom with your beliefs intact. In my view, this is where Mother Teresa was stuck. Reading her posthumous biography, which she never consented to have published in her lifetime, I am startled by the searing pain she felt at her perceived separation from God. Equally amazing is the persistence of her devotion to her calling, even though she felt stranded and bereft, apparently until just before her death.

When does seeking end? It ends when you end; simple as that. You end when you are thrown up and spit out by the seeking. Or on the other hand, as they say in AA, when you grow sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you can’t stand to be you for another second! Affirming Faith in Mind, my touchstone to which I return repeatedly states:

In this true world of Emptiness both self and other are no
more……the wise in all times and places awaken to this primal
truth. [i]

A calling one and one who answers; one who seeks and one who finds. One who previously sought, but now has found. All ask plaintively: “What do I do?”

To enter this true empty world, immediately affirm “not-two”….
….Not only here, not only there, truth’s right before your very eyes.

Somehow, we must summon up the courage/desperation to join Abraham in his willingness to slay his deepest attachment. Like Arjuna, terrified and totally freaked out, we must pick up the sword of truth and wisdom and deconstruct all that we are. The real miracle is that we can actually do what is required.

REFERENCES

Davies, S (2003)The Gospel of Thomas: Annotated and explained.Woodstock, VT: Skylight.

Thompson, Charles. (1990). The Thompson chain reference Bible. Second improved edition: New international version. B. B. Kirkbride Bible Co., Inc.: Indianapolis, IN.
Low, A (1990) The world; A gateway. Commentaries on the Mumonkan. Rutland, VT: Tuttle.
Rochester Zen Center Chant Book (2005). (New Ed.). Rochester, NY: Rochester Zen Center Kolodiejchuk, B. (Ed.). (2007). Mother Teresa: Come be my light. The private writings of the “Saint of Calcutta”. New York: Doubleday.

2009-01-07T20:58:00.000-05:00

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